


The Note: Twelve Years of Christmas

by W0rldofmy0wn



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Fluff, College, F/F, Letters, Marine Corps, Mistletoe, The Note, Twelve Years
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-08 21:22:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5513753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/W0rldofmy0wn/pseuds/W0rldofmy0wn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes twelve years for Clarke and Lexa to finally tie the knot. Twelve years means twelve Christmases, some where they are together and too many where they're apart. In this holiday tag-along story with "The Note," find out a little bit about each Christmas, and how even when they're farther apart than anyone should ever be from the one they love, they're still together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Note: Twelve Years of Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> When you begin to think about fanfiction about your fanfiction, you know that you are actually truly and completely obsessed. But a couple of weeks ago an anon on Tumblr asked me if I could/was planning on writing anything Clexa for Christmas, and it got me thinking, and then for some reason I started thinking about the song "Twelve Days of Christmas." Well, going back through "The Note," I realized that it spanned over twelve years: more importantly, twelve Christmases. My brain started whirling, and the coincidence (while writing "The Note" I had absolutely no plan to do this) was just too great for me to not write this. So I sat down various times over the past few weeks, and this is what I wrote. If you've ever wondered about what happened for each Christmas for our lovely leading ladies in this story universe, I now have those answers for you. So if you were missing "The Note," here's a little bit more that I hope you will all enjoy. If you haven't read "The Note" yet, you are more than welcome to read this, but it will probably be kind of confusing and not make a ton of sense in many places, just as a heads up. But please feel free to give it a try! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all!
> 
> Oh, and needless to say I do not own "The 100" or any of its characters. Thanks everyone!

_First Christmas_

Her favorite Christmas movie was _Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer_. The reason behind that was probably more the fact that it had just been the movie that she and her parents always watched Christmas morning after opening gifts rather than how great a movie it was. It was always on some channel, and they would find it and once they did they'd all laugh and sing along to the songs loudly and more than a little off-key (that was her father: he actually had a pretty decent singing voice, but he always liked to fool around and sing horribly. It always made her and her mother roll their eyes, but by the end of every song they were nearly on the floor laughing). So yeah, it was probably less the movie that she loved, but more the memories she'd made after seventeen Christmases of doing the exact same thing every year.  
  
Except this year Clarke couldn't focus on the movie. She was sitting on the couch next to her father, her mother's usual spot beside her empty as she had just gone into the kitchen to check on lunch, and the movie was playing. It was her father's favorite part, right when Yukon Cornelius comes in. Her father always loved Cornelius, and he would belt “Silver and Gold” out louder than just about any other song, and usually it made Clarke almost die of laughter. But this year she couldn't focus on the movie at all, was barely paying any attention, and her father must have noticed because he merely sat calmly beside her. The blonde kept looking over at the clock on the wall, and her nerves made it impossible to sit still. She was bouncing one leg up and down quickly without even realizing it, her arms crossed over her chest. Suddenly her father reached out and put a hand on her knee, stilling the leg. She looked over at him curiously and he just grinned.  
  
“Relax Kiddo,” he told her, one corner of his mouth pulling up. “Lexa and her father will be here soon.”  
  
She cringed slightly before asking, “I'm that obvious, huh?”  
  
“Only to anyone looking at you,” he joked, “Which is just me, and I'm your father, which means I know you pretty well. Just relax.”  
  
“I can't help it. I'm a little nervous,” she admitted, hands moving to play with the hem of her white dress nervously. “It's our first Christmas together and I just want everything to go well.”  
  
“It will,” Jake assured her, giving her a genuine smile. “You gotta just relax and trust that.”  
  
“Easier said than done,” she muttered, but grinned when her dad laughed and squeezed her knee again. He seemed like he was about to say something else when his attention turned back to the TV.  
  
“Oh, finally!” he exclaimed, and then as Sam the Snowman started singing, he loudly belted out the lyrics to “Silver and Gold.” Even with the butterflies in her stomach, Clarke couldn't help but grin and laugh as her father began rocking next to her, and after a minute her mother came into the room, plopping herself down on the couch on Clarke's other side. She shook her head at her husband, but also couldn't keep the smile from her face. She leaned over to Clarke and said loudly, “To think I almost missed this. It's not Christmas without listening to your father sing this song so badly.” In response, Jake looked over at his wife, not stopping for a moment, and then stood up and pulled her up with him, making her laugh as his hands moved to her waist and they started to sway dramatically. Clarke shook her head at her father's antics, unable to stop another laugh from bubbling up, but then her grin just grew when she heard their doorbell ring.  
  
“I got it!” she exclaimed, jumping off the couch, but the exclamation seemed unnecessary as her parents didn't seem like they were going to stop until the song was over. She rolled her eyes at them even as she smiled, and then quickly moved over to the door. She felt the butterflies pick up in her stomach, but she ignored them as she quickly pulled the door open.  
  
Lexa stood on the front step, her father just behind her, and already the brunette had a small smile on her face. Both of them stood holding a plate of cookies in one hand, and Lexa had a small gift bag in her other one.  
  
“Hi!” the blonde said, stepping to the side, easily returning the brunette's smile. “Come in. Merry Christmas!”  
  
Lexa and Gustus both moved inside, and Clarke quickly shut the door behind them. As soon as the door was closed, the blonde quickly reached out, taking both of the plates so that they could take off their jackets. As Lexa slipped out of her long jacket, Clarke's eyes quickly swept over her figure, taking in the dark green dress that she wore. She didn't let her eyes linger for more than a second, not wanting Gustus to see her ogling his daughter, but she very much appreciated the way the dress fell over the brunette's hips and the little dip it had at the top. Lexa must have seen her look, because the corners of her mouth quirked up just a bit and she returned the look, eyes quickly sweeping over Clarke as well.  
  
“Merry Christmas, Clarke,” the brunette replied, “Thank you for having us over.”  
  
“Of course,” Clarke merely said with a shrug, but then she winced as she heard her father sing the end of the song particularly loudly. “Uh, sorry about that. Dad gets a little crazy during _Rudolph_. With any luck, he won't sing anymore, but I don't think we'll be that lucky.”  
  
“Not a chance of it, Kiddo,” Jake told her, finally stepping away from Abby and moving over to their guests. He smiled at them as Clarke led them into the living room, and then held out his hand. “Gustus, thanks for coming, we're glad to have you both,” he said, taking Gustus's hand and giving it a good shake.  
  
“Thanks for having us, we are very glad to be here,” Gustus replied with a smile. “After Thanksgiving, we wouldn't miss out on a chance of another one of Abby's amazing meals.”  
  
Abby moved over to the group, giving first Gustus and then Lexa a hug as if she'd always known them.  
  
“Gustus, you know you and Lexa are always welcome to come over for dinner whenever you want, it's an open invitation,” she insisted, and Gustus returned her smile and hug.  
  
“We brought cookies for dessert,” he told her, gesturing to the plates Clarke still held. “Though I have to admit, they're store bought. I don't think you'd want to eat any cookie I tried to bake.”  
  
“You really wouldn't,” Lexa added, grinning as her father gave her a look.  
  
“Well I think they look delicious,” Abby informed them with a smile, taking the plates from her daughter. “I'll go take these into the kitchen. We've got a few more minutes before lunch will be ready, so please make yourselves at home.” Giving them another smile, she turned and exited back into the kitchen to take care of the plates.  
  
“Are you two fans of _Rudolph_?” Jake asked, turning and walking back towards the seating in the room. He plopped himself into one of the big chairs, telling them, “It's a tradition in our house to watch it before we eat.”  
  
“And I'm already sorry that we're subjecting you both to it,” Clarke added, rolling her eyes at her father's grin. “Dad feels the need to not only quote the movie but also sing along horribly to every song.”  
  
“Ouch Clarke,” Jake said, feigned hurt as he touched his chest. “Your words hurt. I happen to be a wonderful singer.”  
  
Gustus chuckled, looking at his own daughter as he told the other dad, “Daughters really know how to hurt you, don't they?”  
  
Lexa rolled her eyes, muttering, “Dad, I'm sorry, but you can't cook.” Clarke laughed and then looked to her own father, saying, “And you can't sing.”  
  
Jake pouted, and just then Abby walked back into the room. Seeing her, he turned to his wife and told her, “Honey, your daughter is picking on me.”  
  
“Clarke, stop picking on your father,” she said automatically, and then asked with a smile, “But what exactly are you saying?”  
  
“She'd telling our guests that I can't sing,” he answered as she sat on the arm of his chair, one of his arms going around her waist.  
  
“Oh, well in that case she's right,” Abby amended as her arm draped around his shoulders. “You can't sing.”  
  
“Ouch,” he muttered, his feigned hurt still clear on his face. She smiled and then kissed him quickly, and when she pulled back his pretend hurt had been replaced with a smile.  
  
Clarke rolled her eyes at her parents and then grabbed Lexa's hand, giving her a smile when the other girl looked at her, and then pulled her over to the couch, flopping down with the brunette sitting next to her. Gustus grinned at them all and then made his way over to the other chair, and with a few more jokes here and there, they all watched the rest of the movie, and Lexa was horrified when her father joined Jake in the next song, singing equally as badly. The two dads just grinned at each other, especially as both of their daughters buried their faces in their hands, unable to stifle their laughter even through their horror.  
  
It wasn't long after the movie was over that Abby declared that the food was ready, and then they all made their way into the kitchen, everyone praising Abby as they saw the spread out around the table. They took their seats, Jake and Abby at either end of the table, with Clarke and Lexa sitting beside each other on one side and Gustus sitting across from them, and soon their plates were full and their stomachs were filling. Lexa grinned when she saw the rolls that Abby had made for Thanksgiving also sitting on the table, and when she looked over she already saw Clarke looking at her with the challenge in her eyes. At Thanksgiving they had made a bet to see who could eat the most rolls without getting sick, and without even needing to say anything, the same challenge was issued.  
  
The five of them talked and laughed, and Clarke was pretty sure there wasn't a single moment the entire meal when she wasn't smiling, even when Lexa beat her in the roll eating contest by a roll and a half. The two families were perfectly comfortable with each other, and it almost felt like they'd known each other her whole life. Part of that she knew was her parents' ability to make anyone feel welcome, her father's easy joking manner able to get anyone laughing in no time, and her mother's welcoming smile never failing to put any guest at ease. The other part, she thought, was probably just because she and Lexa fit so well together, and that brought their families together. Before the meal was even half over, she had no doubt in her mind that this was already the best Christmas she had ever had.  
  
Finally the meal ended, everyone too stuffed to even think about eating another bite, and for a while they all just sat and talked some more. Eventually though Abby stood up, starting to clear the table, and Jake and Gustus both moved to help her. Lexa was about to stand and help as well, when she felt Clarke's hand on her arm, and she turned, raising an eyebrow at her. The blonde just smiled at her, and the next thing the brunette knew she was being pulled out of the kitchen and back into the living room. Lexa was fairly sure she could feel three sets of eyes watching them leave, but none of the adults tried to stop them to get them to help clean up, so she simply followed Clarke.  
  
Once in the living room, the blonde led them over to the tree that was set up in the corner of the room, and Lexa realized what they were doing in there. The butterflies started up slightly, suddenly a little nervous. Clarke stopped in front of the tree and bent down, picking up one of the few gifts still beneath the tree. She turned, and Lexa could see her own nerves in the way her lip was pulled partially between her teeth. She held the gift out, saying quietly, “Merry Christmas, Lexa. I hope you like it.”  
  
Lexa took the package, telling her, “I don't have to open it to know that I will love whatever it is.” Clarke smiled, but rolled her eyes slightly. That was just so Lexa. Still, she felt her stomach churn a little as the brunette began to open the gift.  
  
Weeks ago the two had agreed that they didn't want the other one to spend a lot of money on them. They had agreed that since it was always an expensive time of year, neither was allowed to spend more than ten dollars on the other. For a while that had meant Clarke had had no idea what she was going to get for Lexa, but then one night while agonizing over it with Octavia and Raven (by then they had both stopped listening to her worry about her gift dilemma, having heard enough of it to just tune her out), she had come up with an idea. Now as Lexa pulled the wrapping paper off of the picture frame, she suddenly wasn't sure it was enough, but the little gasp and the way Lexa's eyes widened when she turned the frame around made the blonde smile.  
  
“Clarke...” Lexa murmured, her eyes scanning the picture before her, “It's beautiful. And exactly right.”  
  
The ten dollars they'd agreed on had gone entirely to the frame, and she still wished she could have bought a better one. The gift itself she'd made: she'd spent an entire afternoon and evening drawing and then painting an image of their clearing. She'd chosen to paint it at night, showing images of the moon and sky reflecting in the water, since that was usually when they'd been able to make it there. She'd thought it had turned out pretty well before she gave it to Lexa; now she thought it was perfect, because that's how Lexa was looking at it.  
  
She smiled as she shrugged, telling her, “Yeah, well the place is pretty well ingrained in my mind. There aren't any details of that spot that I want to forget.” Lexa looked up from the picture, meeting her eyes, and from the way those blue eyes shone, she knew exactly what the blonde was referring to.  
  
“I agree,” she replied quietly, her lips turning up, “And while I highly doubt I would have been able to forget any of them before, now it will only be easier to remember them.” Clarke's smile grew as Lexa's eyes sparkled, and then she raised her eyebrows as the other girl sighed. “Though I have to say, I'm a little disappointed now. You definitely won on the gift giving,” she informed the blonde when she saw her eyebrows raise. Transferring the picture to one hand and holding it carefully, she bent down to where she'd placed her gift beneath the tree when she'd arrived. Straightening back up, she held the small bag out, adding, “Next year I will have to step up my game.”  
  
Clarke laughed, reaching out and accepting the bag. After another quick look at Lexa, she turned down to the bag, carefully opening it to find a few sheets of tissue paper. She pushed the paper aside, and then reached into the bag, pulling a round Christmas ornament out of it. She didn't really know what to make of it, until she was holding it up in front of her face, and then she was laughing, her smile easily growing again.  
  
“Where did you find this?!” she exclaimed, still laughing. On the ornament was a painted cartoon, a raccoon and lion leaning against each other and smiling out as they held a sign between them that read, “Merry 1st Christmas.”  
  
Lexa grinned, Clarke's reaction easily bringing it out.  
  
“I went to a craft fair a couple of weeks ago with Anya,” she told the blonde. “I was having a very hard time finding something for you that was in the agreed price range, but we walked by this table where a woman had a bunch of ornaments like this, little cartoons on them. I got the idea from those, and asked her if she could make this one.” Her grin grew as she added, “I am pretty sure the woman thought I needed to be institutionalized when I asked her for a raccoon and lion who looked like they were in love, but she agreed to do it.”  
  
Clarke laughed again, shaking her head before she said, “Yeah, I can totally see that.” She looked back up at the brunette then, her eyes shining as she added, “And I'm not so sure that I won on the gift giving. This is absolutely amazing and I love it.”  
  
“Good,” Lexa replied, stepping forward and closing some of the distance between them as she wrapped her arms around the blonde's waist, making sure to be careful of her picture. “Because I love you.”  
  
Clarke smiled, her arms easily moving to the other girl's shoulder, being equally careful of her ornament, and then murmured, “Good. Cause I love you too.”  
  
Lexa returned the smile, leaning forward and pressing her forehead to Clarke's.  
  
“Merry Christmas, Clarke,” she whispered.  
  
“Merry Christmas, Lexa,” the blonde whispered back, and then they both leaned forward, bringing their lips together.  
  
Clarke had been right: it was her favorite Christmas ever. She didn't know it, but Lexa thought the exact same thing. 

 

_Second Christmas_

“Oh god, why am I so nervous?” Clarke muttered as she shuffled behind Octavia, trying to get to her seat. Her program was already starting to wrinkle in her hands and she had to force herself to loosen her grip around it. “It's not like I'm the one going up there.”  
  
“You're nervous cause the lady you love's gonna be performing for us all,” Raven informed her, shooting her a grin as their whole line finally made it to the center of the aisle of seats and sat down. “It's like fathers getting sympathy pains when their wives go into labor; you're just getting sympathy nerves.”  
  
“Well they can stop at any time now, seriously. They're making me feel sick,” the blonde growled, scowling at nothing in particular.  
  
“Aww, I think it's sweet that you're so nervous for Lexa,” Octavia crooned, grinning while she nudged Clarke's shoulder with her own. “It shows that you care.”  
  
“Hm,” they all heard Anya scoff from the end of their line next to Lincoln, and all turned to look at her. She raised her eyebrows uninterestedly when they all turned to her, telling them, “When you've been to as many of these things as I have, you will get over those nerves. There is no need for them: Lexa always does well.”  
  
“I know she's going to do well,” Clarke argued, a little edge to her voice at just the suggestion she could have thought any differently. “She's an amazing dancer, so of course she's going to be amazing, but that isn't stopping the nerves from attacking me.” Anya simply rolled her eyes then turned her attention to her own program, clearly done talking with them all. Clarke saw Raven roll her eyes at her from the blonde's other side.  
  
“Chill Princess,” Bellamy spoke up, his eyes scanning the crowd around them and then going to the stage in front of them. “Your girl's gonna be great, and look pretty damn good in her tights, I have no doubt.”  
  
The blonde shot a glare at him, warning him, “I will beat you Bellamy Blake if you check out my girlfriend. It won't be pretty.” He merely shot her his signature cocky smile, before he said, “It's a good thing that Raven's between us then, huh?”  
  
At that the other girl raised an eyebrow, grinning as she informed him, “I am more than happy to move so that Clarke can beat you. I might even take pictures of it, for prosperity’s sake. After all that'll be one Christmas memory we'll never want to forget.”  
  
“I like that idea,” Octavia said, leaning forward so that she could see them from around Clarke. “I want a copy of every one of those pictures.”  
  
“Absolutely,” Raven agreed, nodding, while Bellamy shook his head.  
  
“You guys are no fun,” he pouted, and Clarke just raised her eyebrows at him, still giving him a warning glare. “Fine,” he finally sighed, “I won't check out your girlfriend Clarke. But there are gonna be other girls I can check out, right? This isn't all gonna be just little kids and Lexa? If you dragged me to a dance recital during the few days I'm home on break, there better be girls that I can check out.”  
  
“You know, sometimes I make the mistake of thinking you're actually a decent human being,” Raven mused, leaning towards Clarke while shooting a look at Bellamy. “And then you say stuff like that, and I remember that you're just a guy.”  
  
“Mmhm,” both Clarke and Octavia agreed, leaning back in their seats and both opening their programs.  
  
Bellamy looked over to the three of them and rolled his eyes before telling them, “Oh please, like any of you can talk. Clarke, you're gonna spend every moment Lexa's onstage undressing her with your eyes. If there's any guys up there you'll be doing the same to them Raven, and O you'd be doing the same thing if your boyfriend weren't right next to you.” All three of them nearly blushed, and he knew he was right. Luckily to save any of them from having to come up with a response, the lights started dimming at that moment, and everyone around them not already sitting moved quickly towards their seats. Clarke felt her nerves flare up again for no good reason, but then felt a bump on each side as both Octavia and Raven nudged her, shooting her encouraging smiles. She took a deep breath, and then looked at the stage as the lights went down.  
  
The holiday recital started with a combined dance with all of the many classes onstage at once. It was a dance to a mixed version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas” and started with the younger classes coming on for the first couple of verses, and neither Clarke nor Octavia could stop themselves from letting out an “Aww” as the little three to five year olds danced around the stage. No matter how cute those kids were however, the moment Lexa came out on stage Clarke's eyes were drawn to her and didn't leave. It was all just a silly dance, meant to be fun and to get the audience laughing, but even so Clarke thought Lexa looked amazing up there as she moved.  
  
The dance didn't last long, and then the recital continued, and the younger classes did all of their dances first. When the class that Lexa taught went out, Lexa came out too, standing in one corner of the stage so the three to five year olds could look to her if they got lost. Even though she wasn't really dancing, Clarke had a hard time looking away from Lexa, a small smile on her face as she watched Lexa watch her dancers. They finished, and then the next group took the stage, and Clarke was able to pay attention to the dancing since there was no brunette distraction on the stage. Multiple classes went, all dancing to some form of Christmas song, and then finally it was time for the advanced classes, and the moment Lexa stepped out again on stage, Clarke's eyes were glued to her. She barely paid attention to what songs were playing or what any of the other dancers were doing: Clarke's focus was solely on Lexa.  
  
She would never admit it to Bellamy, but he had been right: every time Lexa stepped on stage for a new dance, Clarke's eyes would sweep over her and her breath would hitch. But really, it wasn't her fault that her girlfriend looked incredibly sexy in everything she wore, and the outfits she wore were chosen specifically so that she could move easily, which meant most of it clung to her in all the right places. She bit her lip at one point, trying to behave and focus on the dance and not just how incredibly amazing Lexa looked, but she was clearly unsuccessful when Raven leaned over to her and muttered, “Clarke, seriously, your lady boner is totally showing.”  
  
“Shut up,” she whispered back, not even bothering to take her eyes from the stage, and Raven couldn't help but laugh quietly.  
  
Finally there was only one number left, and Lexa and the other three people in her class left the stage. A moment later and all of the younger classes moved out on stage and took their places. “Carol of the Bells” started, and with the slow intro the kids all began moving, and again Octavia let out a little “Aww” as the youngest ones spun around slowly a few times, and Clarke was about to echo that sound when the song suddenly picked up, and then the older classes came on, and with them came Lexa, dressed in a black leotard, and the noise got stuck in Clarke's throat. Lexa spun and jumped and Clarke didn't know enough about dance to really know exactly what it was she was doing, but she was definitely doing it extremely well. She led the other dancers, everyone seeming to follow her lead, and as the song simply picked up in speed, Lexa's movements mirrored that speed until she was flying across the stage. Her dance partner, a guy Clarke knew as John just from the few stories Lexa told her about their dance class, kept up with her, lifting her and twirling her, and everybody else just followed their lead. Clarke knew the song was almost over, and then John spun Lexa, and Lexa was center stage, everyone else merely dancing around behind her, and she was spinning. And spinning. And spinning. And Clarke was watching her, her eyes trying to follow the movement as she tried to count how many times Lexa had gone around, but just trying to follow her was making her dizzy. Raven whistled beside her, and out of the corner of her eye Clarke could see Octavia's mouth drop open, and Clarke couldn't help but agree with both of them. Finally, on the very last note Lexa stopped, her face out towards the audience and her arms positioned perfectly, and without thinking Clarke was on her feet. She led the crowd in the standing ovation, Raven and Bellamy both whistling as they stood up next to her, and she saw Lexa look directly at her, and even from a few rows away Clarke could see her eyes shining as the corners of her mouth pulled up into a smile.

***

“Okay, but seriously Lexa, how the hell can you spin so many times without wanting to vomit?” Octavia exclaimed, gesturing dramatically while not spilling any of Raven's famous eggnog.  
  
Lexa just grinned, one hand holding her own drink while her other was circled around Clarke's waist, the blonde leaning heavily against her.  
  
“It's all about spotting, Octavia,” the brunette informed her. “Spotting and good posture.”  
  
“Alright, hold on, I wanna see how many times I can spin,” Raven exclaimed from the other side of the room, clearly having heard their conversation. She placed her drink on the bookshelf next to her and then moved into the center of the room and everyone turned to watch her, many of them cheering. Clarke just raised her eyebrows, picking her head up off of Lexa's shoulder.  
  
“Probably not a good idea, Raven,” Clarke said. “We don't need to clean up any puke tonight. Mama Blake probably wouldn't appreciate it if she found out.”  
  
“Psh,” Raven replied, waving a hand at her. “Puking is for the weak. Don't you worry about me, Griffin.”  
  
Clarke just shook her head, rolling her eyes. She felt Lexa pull away from her, and she looked over at the brunette. Lexa smiled at her and then handed the blonde her cup which Clarke quickly took. Quickly Lexa made her way over to Raven, getting to her just as the other girl started to spin, lifting one leg up in what she thought was a perfect pirouette. It wasn't. Raven barely made it around once before she began to wobble, and then she started to tip over and it was Lexa's arms that caught her, keeping her from face planting. She smiled up sheepishly at the taller girl before she straightened herself out.  
  
“Alright, so it's a lot harder than it looks,” she admitted, shrugging. Lexa just grinned, the alcohol in her system making it easier to do so as it always did.  
  
“It is,” she agreed with a nod. “I've been dancing for years, and it took me a lot of that to learn how to spin continuously without either falling over or getting dizzy. But, after a lot of practice...” She trailed off, quickly straightening her spine and getting into fifth position before she moved, her eyes locked across the room on a picture on the wall. Suddenly she was spinning, one leg pulled up to the other, her arms held up perfectly, and each time she turned her head whipped around to find the picture on the wall again. She stopped at three turns, her foot returning to the floor and arms moving out. She grinned again as the people in the room cheered, a few whistling or clapping.  
  
Raven just shook her head, telling her, “Alright alright, you showed me up, I get it. I'll keep practicing, but right now I just want to drink, so yeah, the Princess is right, no more spinning tonight.” With that she moved back over to the bookshelf where her drink still waited for her, grabbed it and then took a large gulp out of it. Lexa watched her and then turned, moving back over to Clarke leaning in the doorway to the kitchen. Reaching her, she gladly accepted the drink the blonde handed back to her, and then leaned on the wall beside her.  
  
“Show off,” Clarke teased, smirking at the brunette.  
  
Lexa lifted her head, eyes shining as she said evenly, “I do not know what you're talking about.”  
  
The blonde scoffed, telling her, “Sure you don't.”  
  
Fighting back her grin, Lexa informed the other girl, “I am a dance instructor Clarke. I was merely instructing in dance.”  
  
“Oh yeah, cause a party is really the place where a dance lesson is needed,” the blonde said sarcastically, rolling her eyes at her girlfriend but unable to keep the smile from pulling at the corners of her mouth.  
  
“I take my job very seriously,” Lexa insisted, and then raised her eyebrows. “Do you not enjoy watching?”  
  
Clarke mirrored the eyebrow raise, before she closed the small space between them, wrapping one arm around her girlfriend's waist.  
  
“I very, very much enjoy watching,” she admitted, the grin now growing on her face. “In fact, later tonight I am going to show you just how much I love watching you move.” She pushed herself closer to Lexa, and the brunette felt her breath get stuck in her throat.  
  
“Now that's a show I cannot wait for,” Lexa finally replied, and Clarke's grin just grew before she reached up, hand cupping behind Lexa's neck and pulled her down for a searing kiss. Lexa closed her eyes and returned the kiss, her free hand tangling in blonde hair. They stayed together for a long moment before Lexa pulled away, her own smile causing her eyes to shine. She leaned back, head hitting against the door frame lightly, and then her eyes trailed up. The smile growing, she teased, “Clarke, I do not see any mistletoe above us. Aren't you only supposed to kiss if there is mistletoe during this time of the year?”  
  
Clarke just raised her eyebrows again before she scoffed, saying, “Please. As if I need mistletoe to kiss you.” Lexa's smile just grew, and then Clarke was kissing her again and both girls were lost in it, neither of them thinking anything about the other people in the room.  
  
It was fine; after all, their friends were all used to the two of them getting lost in their own little world and forgetting about them. It might be Christmas, but for them this was just another day. Another amazing, wonderful day.

 

_Third Christmas_

**From: Finn: (9:07 AM) Good morning Princess and Merry Christmas!**

**From: Finn: (9:21 AM) I hope u r having a great morning! :)**

**From: Finn: (9:48 AM) I'm sure u have family plans for most of the day, but maybe tonight u wanna hang out?**

**To: Raven: (9:00 AM) Hey... I know u don't really wanna talk to me right now, but I just wanted to say Merry Christmas!**

**To: Raven: (9:42 AM) Raven... come on... talk to me... please. Please just talk to me?**

**To: Raven: (10:11 AM) I know what I did was stupid... I know it was horrible, and I know it hurt u. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry Raven. I can't even begin to say how sorry I am.**

**To: Raven: (10:23 AM) Raven...**

**To: O: (10:00 AM) Raven won't answer any of my texts...**

**From: O: (10:47 AM) Can u blame her? She's pissed, and has every right to be. I don't really wanna answer ur texts right now either. U fucked up, Clarke. U fucked up big time. I get that u've been hurting ever since u-know-who broke up w/ u, but what u've been doing hasn't been helping u or any of us. & now after what u did w/ Finn... U just fucked up, Clarke. I don't know if u can fix this.**

**To: O: (10:56 AM) I know...**

**To: O: (11:34 AM) I called her...**

**From: O: (11:42 AM) Who, Raven? Did she talk to u?**

**To: O: (11:47 AM) No... Lexa... I called her...**

**From: O: (11:53 AM) Wait, u did what? U called Lexa?!**

**To: O: (12:02 PM) Yeah... I called Lexa. I talked with her.**

**From: O: (12:10 PM) And...?**

**To: O: (12:15 PM) And it hurt. A lot. U have no idea how much. But I talked w/ her. We didn't say much, but I heard her voice.**

**To: O: (12:17 PM) And I know I've been an idiot. I know I've been stupid & what I've been doing hasn't been helping. I know u've been worried and Raven's been worried. I know, O. I do. But I just... it hurts so much. It just hurts so much not seeing her, not talking w/ her. I feel like a part of me is dying. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true.**

**To: O: (12:20 PM) But I also know I have to stop. I know I have to stop everything I've been doing. It hasn't helped, it's just made it worse. It's made me worse. I've become a terrible person. What I did... I used Finn and I broke every bit of trust w/ Raven. I don't have Lexa any more, and I possibly just ruined two friendships, one with one of my two best friends. I have to stop. I have to... I have to move on. I have to let myself hurt. I have to stop trying to run away from it. I can't... I can't keep doing this to myself.**

**From: O: (12:27 PM) About fucking time. I love u Clarke, & u know I always will, but I really don't know how much more of this I could have/can take. So I hope u mean this. **

**To: O: (12:34 PM) I do, O. I really, really do. I'm so so sorry. I know I don't deserve u.**

**From: O: (12:40 PM) U totally don't, but u got me anyway.**

**From: O: (12:41 PM) Oh, and Clarke?**

**From: O: (12:41 PM) Merry Christmas**

 

_Fourth Christmas_

Lexa stared at the cell phone on her desk, just as she'd been doing for the last ten minutes. It hadn't rang yet, but seeing how it was barely after noon, that didn't necessarily mean that it wouldn't. After all, last year it had been early afternoon when Clarke had called, so there was still time. Still plenty of time.  
  
There was plenty of time, sure, but Lexa didn't want to spend her afternoon waiting. She had her work out that she needed to get started, even if the gym was closed for the holiday. She was already dressed in her sweats, her sneakers and thin jacket waiting by her dorm room door for her to put them on and go out in the bitter cold for her run. Even just thinking about it made her shiver and want to simply crawl under her covers and stay in her nice warm dorm room, but she couldn't allow herself the luxury. It didn't matter that the rest of the world considered the day to be a holiday: she still had to do her work out. She'd already spoken with her father that morning, talking to him for more than a half an hour to catch up with him and wish him a Merry Christmas, and had even talked briefly with Anya as well as exchanged a couple of texts with both Lincoln and Octavia. All of her Christmas plans were over, and so she should be getting back to her work out.  
  
All but one.  
  
Clarke.  
  
The year before, exactly three-hundred and sixty-five days ago, Clarke had called her. It was the only communication they had had since their good-bye at the airport and all they'd had since. It had been short, and Lexa had said nothing that she had wanted to say, but it had been communication. It had been her voice. And maybe she was being crazy, or maybe she was being hopeful, but she thought that maybe, just maybe, today she would get to hear that voice again. Her heart thudded in her chest in a way it hadn't for months now, having put all thoughts of the blonde and her feelings for her away, shoved to the back of her mind. She had spent the past year focusing only on the Marines, only on getting ready, preparing her mind and body, pushing herself so that she thought of nothing else, but today the image of the blonde broke through those thoughts. Today, at this moment, the idea of talking to Clarke was impossible to push aside, the hope that she would get to hear that voice again was too powerful for her to ignore. And so her heart raced in her chest, her palms grew damp with sweat, and her throat went dry. Her body yearned to talk to Clarke again, in a way she never allowed it to yearn for anything.  
  
So finally she growled and snatched her phone off of her desk. Clearly she was not going to be able to get anything else done until she talked to the blonde. Or at least until she tried to talk to the blonde. She had absolutely no way of knowing if Clarke would even want to talk with her, of whether or not she had completely moved on and no longer even thought about the brunette, but until she at least tried she knew she was going to get absolutely nothing done. She needed to get going, get running, so she couldn't just sit there and wait for the maybe phone call that she might at some point get. So rather than wait for it, she scrolled quickly through her phone until she found the contact she never allowed herself to look out. She pressed the name immediately, not allowing herself even a moment of hesitation, knowing she'd chicken out if she gave herself time to think about it, and then held the phone up to her ear. She closed her eyes, trying to ignore the pounding of her heart as she waited for the phone to ring.  
  
It rang once. It rang twice. It rang a third time, and Lexa thought it was going to go to voicemail and for a moment she panicked. She hadn't thought about that. Should she leave Clarke a voicemail? What should she say? Should she not? But if she didn't, Clarke would still be able to see that she had called, and then would she be relieved or upset that she hadn't left a message?  
  
She needn't have worried about it, because as the phone rang a fourth time she heard a noise come from the other end of the line, and the next moment she heard the voice she had only heard in her dreams for a year now.  
  
“Lexa,” she heard, “Hi.”  
  
“Hello, Clarke,” she managed to get out, her stomach now full of butterflies as that voice rang in her ear. Her dreams had not ever done it justice. “I am... I am simply calling to wish you a Merry Christmas. I hope you have had a good day, so far?”  
  
“Yeah, I have, thanks,” she heard the blonde say, and Lexa wondered if she was smiling. She sounded like it was possible. “What about you, have you had a good morning so far?”  
  
“I have, yes,” she answered, though she failed to tell the blonde that for her it had been a fairly normal morning, other than the conversations with her father and Anya and texts from Octavia and Lincoln. She did not believe Clarke needed to know that.  
  
The conversation tapered off almost before it could even get going. Lexa could hear Clarke on the other line, could hear her breathing, could imagine what she might look like at the moment, trying to think of something else to say just as the brunette was doing. A million things flew through Lexa's mind, so many questions she wanted to ask, so many things she wanted to say, but none of the words could take shape on her tongue. She wanted to know how Clarke was, wanted to know that the blonde was happy. A traitorous portion of her heart whispered to her that she wanted to know that Clarke missed her, that she still cared for her, but Lexa ignored that whisper. If the blonde had moved on, that could only be a good thing. She had to believe that.  
  
“So... How is school?” Lexa finally asked, simply because she couldn't bare the silence anymore. “Are you enjoying it?”  
  
“Yeah, I am,” she heard Clarke reply, “I actually decided to add on an Art Minor this year, so that plus everything else keeps me pretty busy.”  
  
A genuine smile grew on Lexa's lips as she told her, “That is wonderful, Clarke. I know how much you love your art. I am sure it is worth the extra work.”  
  
“It is,” Clarke agreed, and from the tone of her voice Lexa could picture her smiling. “But what about you? Are you enjoying school.”  
  
_No. I haven't enjoyed anything for a very, very long time. I have not been happy since I left you in an airport. I still believe I am where I need to be, but I had to kill a part of me to get here. I keep myself so busy, work myself so hard simply so that I will be too tired to think of you. It never works. All I still think about is you. All I see when I close my eyes is your face. God, I miss you so much._  
  
“I am enjoying it, yes,” she replied evenly. “My classes keep me busy.”  
  
Again the conversation tapered off, and Lexa had to close her eyes. Why was this so difficult? She and Clarke had never had a problem talking before, even for the short weeks before they had admitted their feelings for each other. Clarke had been one of the few people who Lexa found it completely comfortable to talk to, and now that comfort had been replaced with this awkwardness. None of this was right.  
  
Finally she heard Clarke sigh before she said a little sadly, “I'm really sorry Lexa, but I have to go. It was really great talking to you again, though. Really, thanks for calling.”  
  
“Of course,” the brunette told her, but it was difficult to get the words out from a throat that seemed to have closed up. “It was really great talking to you as well. Merry Christmas, Clarke.”  
  
“Merry Christmas, Lexa,” she heard, and then much too short of a moment later she heard the other end of the line go dead. Unable to listen to that silence, Lexa quickly hung up also, shoving her phone into her pocket.  
  
Ignoring the tears rolling down her face, Lexa immediately moved over to her door, quickly throwing on her shoes and jacket. She needed to run, and she needed to run now. 

 

 __

 _Fifth Christmas_

“When I read your text, this is not exactly what I thought you meant when you asked if I wished to get together.”  
  
Lexa raised her eyebrows at the girl across the table, waiting for a reply as a smirk curled on the dark-haired girl's lips. Ignoring the smirk, Lexa merely took a sip of her drink, the half-finished margarita already causing her skin to buzz a little. Considering she very seldom drank and had eaten little that day, she was not surprised by the reaction. That plus the fact that the bartender had made her drink rather strong, she knew the buzzing would only increase by the time she had finished it.  
  
“I know what you thought I meant,” Liz replied easily, her little smirk only growing. “We'll get to that later. First I figured we could actually do something other than just each other for once.”  
  
Lexa allowed no trace of emotion to show on her face as she informed the other girl, “This feels an awful lot like a date. I believe I told you when this started two months ago that I have no interest in dating you or anyone else. I am not looking for a relationship.”  
  
The smirk on the other girl's face only grew as she put her drink down on the table, resting her chin against her hands as she leaned forward.  
  
“And I told you that I'm not looking for a relationship either,” Liz answered with a small shrug. “I'll be graduating in just a couple of months now and have no reason to tie myself to you or anyone else. Especially you, considering you've still got a year of school and then you're going off to play soldier.”  
  
Lexa let her words roll off of her, ignoring the insinuation that her chosen career was little more than a game. That was just Liz, she had learned: she said what was on her mind, never bothering to blunt her words. For someone who thought carefully about everything she said, it was almost refreshing to the brunette to spend time with this other girl who was so different from herself.  
  
“If that is true then why are we here?” she asked, her eyes leaving Liz for just a moment so that she could scan the room around her. They'd gone to one of the local bars, a room usually occupied primarily by college students, but considering most students had gone home for winter break the majority of people there now were townies. Middle-aged men and women sat around the bar or stood around the old pool table in the corner, while the few kids back here for their own winter break sat at a few of the tables, all looking barely old enough to be in there. Lexa figured that was probably what she and Liz both looked like as well, but at least the two of them weren't yelling and tossing back as many beers as they could. The noise coming from them and the people around the pool table was starting to get on Lexa's nerves, and she made a note to herself never to come back while classes was actually in session. If the bar was this loud with just this many people, she did not want to think about what it must be like when packed full of college students all trying to out-drink one another.  
  
Her attention was pulled back to the girl sitting across from her as Liza raised one eyebrow, the smirk once again on her lips.  
  
“Cause I think you're interesting, Lexa,” she easily replied, “And more than a little bit of a mystery. I've never seen you talk to anyone outside of class accept for me, and even we don't say much other than 'you wanna screw?'” Lexa inadvertently scrunched up her nose at the words, and Liz just let out a small laugh. “You're uptight, Lexa, and closed off. You say you don't want a relationship, but every girl in college wants a relationship, and from what I've seen of the guys in college, they all want one too.”  
  
“I believe you just said that you do not want a relationship either,” Lexa interrupted, maintaining eye contact with her even as she once again took a sip of her drink.  
  
“Yeah, but I know why I don't want one, and my reason makes sense,” she said, dropping one hand and grabbing her own drink. Her fingers played with the glass, spinning the drink in a circle as she continued to look at the brunette as though she were studying her. “Why start something when it can only last a couple months? That's just stupid and can only lead to heartache.” She broke off for a moment, lifting her glass to her lips and taking a sip, closing her eyes briefly as the alcoholic drink ran down her throat. Placing the cup back down, her eyes opened and immediately fell back to Lexa's. “But you,” she continued, “You still have a year and a half. That's plenty of time to start something with someone, especially if you're not looking for anything serious. And it wouldn't be hard for you. I mean, you're hot, it wouldn't be hard to find some girl who would fall all over herself to be with you. But you claim you don't want anything, don't even want to look and see what's out there. From what I've noticed, you don't even seem like you have or are looking for any friends.” Suddenly she shrugged again, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms across her front. “Like I said, you're a mystery, and I've always loved mysteries.”  
  
Lexa gave her a moment to see if she was going to add anything more, and then she merely raised her eyebrows, asking, “If you have finished with your analysis, could we get out of here now? I do not care to spend my evening in a loud bar with a bunch of drunks.”  
  
Liz's eyes scanned hers, the smirk falling off of her face as her brow turned down just slightly. Lexa met the look, holding her head just a little higher and maintaining her neutral expression. For another moment Lexa watched as the other girl simply scanned her face, and then she dropped her arms from in front of her, leaning forward again as she asked quietly, “Who broke you, Lexa? Someone obviously did. So what was her name?”  
  
Without meaning to, Lexa's jaw clenched, her grip on her glass tightening. She saw Liz pull back slightly, probably in response to the look that flashed across her eyes.  
  
“The only thing that you need to know about my previous sex life before you is that I do not and have never have had an STD,” she finally answered, a hardness in her tone she hadn't meant to be there. “Other than that, neither my previous sex life nor love life is any concern of yours.” Pulling some money from her pocket, Lexa tossed it on the table and then lifted her glass to her lips, quickly gulping down the rest of her drink. Once the glass was empty she set it back down on the table a bit more forcefully than intended. She stood up, shooting another look at the other girl as she said, “Now I am going to use the restroom. When I am finished, I am leaving, and whether I return to your room or my own makes little difference to me. But if I return to yours, it will be to have sex with you. It will not be to talk about my life. If you wish to talk about your past, then fine, but any and all questions about mine ends here.” She continued to look into the brown eyes that had widened as she'd spoken for just another moment, using the moment to finalize her words, and then she turned away, not looking back as she walked steadily to the bathroom.  
  
Only as the bathroom door closed behind her did she allow her shoulders to slump, her energy leaving her. This had been a mistake. All of it, ever since that first conversation where Liz had introduced this idea of friends-with-benefits, all of it had been a mistake. It wasn't even truly a friends-with-benefits kind of situation, because they weren't friends. This whole thing had only started when they had been paired up with a couple of idiots in their psychology class who drove them both crazy. It had only been through that contact, those short, simple conversations that they had both learned that the other was attracted to women, neither were looking for a relationship, but both could use someone to sleep with. Since that moment two months ago, they had slept together a handful of times, never hanging out before or after, and other than the simple conversations they would have either in class or while sleeping together, they didn't talk. As far as Lexa was concerned, it was a perfectly fine arrangement, only made better by the fact that Liz would be graduating soon. She had thought it meant she wouldn't have to worry about conversations like this. So much for that hope.  
  
Finishing up in the bathroom, Lexa stood at the sink, washing her hands and looking in the mirror. Even here with no one else to see, she still wore her neutral mask, and even she could see the hardness in her eyes, and she didn't have to wonder why Liz believed she was broken. She was broken, but she had been the one to do the breaking.  
  
Straightening up once again she quickly dried off her hands, moving back to the door. She pulled it open and stepped back out into the bar, eyes immediately scanning around and falling back to the table she had left Liz at. The girl no longer sat there, and a waitress was already clearing the two empty glasses away and grabbing the money that had been left behind for her. For a moment she thought maybe Liz had left, but when she turned towards the exit she saw the other girl leaning on the wall beside the door. Seeing Lexa turn to her, she smirked again, quirking an eyebrow up as she simply asked, “You coming?” The brunette tilted her head just a little higher before she nodded, following the dark-haired girl as she opened the door and left the bar.

***

The extra heat beside her is what pulled Lexa out of her sleep. Her body woke easily, used to rising early now that she had been doing it every day for two and a half years. Her mind was just a few seconds slower, slow enough that for just the slightest of seconds she actually believed that the person laying beside her was a blue-eyed blonde that she loved rather than her dark-haired fuck buddy. Even the momentary thought was enough to cause her heart to squeeze in her chest, but she immediately pushed the feeling away. She opened her eyes, glad that she happened to be turned away from Liz. She didn't need to see the tumble of black hair to serve as yet another reminder that she was not next to the person she wished to be.  
  
There was barely any light streaming through the cracks of the shades against the window, but by the little bit of early morning light that did manage to get in, she immediately knew that she was not where she wanted to be. She was not in her own dorm room, in her own bed. Instead she was still in Liz's, the thin sheet on the bed pulled up over her bare body, and she could feel Liz's naked body beside her. She looked down and saw her clothes scattered on the floor, easily blending in with not only the clothes the other girl had been wearing the previous night but the other articles of clothing that had already been on the floor. Clearly Liz did not believe in a laundry basket.  
  
Internally groaning, Lexa carefully sat up in the small bed, trying not to move the mattress too much and wake the other girl. This was only the second time she had actually slept with Liz. Normally they had sex and she left, returning to her own dorm so that she could sleep peacefully alone, but last night by the time they had finished she was too tired to get up and make the long walk back. She had thought she would just rest for a few minutes and then leave, but here she was the next morning, still in the bed and still naked.  
  
Lexa threw the blanket off of her, her legs falling over the side of the bed and feet firmly planting on the cold floor before she stood up, once again groaning internally. She allowed herself a quick stretch, waking up her muscles more thoroughly before she began hunting for her clothes amongst the rest spread out around her feet. She managed to find her underwear and quickly slipped them back on, and then a moment later saw her shirt and grabbed that as well. She was looking for her bra when a ringing suddenly broke the silence, making her jump before she swore quietly. Following the sound, she quickly found her pants and pulled her cell from its pocket, swearing again when she saw who was calling. Frantically looking again for her bra, she finally gave up, quickly pulling her shirt on over her head before she dropped the pants back to the floor and hurriedly moved over to the door before her phone could go to voicemail. She highly doubted any of Liz's neighbors were around, all more than likely having gone home for the holidays, so she opened the door and stepped out into the hallway in just her shirt and underwear. Closing the door behind her, she finally answered the phone.  
  
“Clarke,” she said as soon as the phone was to her ear, “Hello.”  
  
“Lexa, hi,” she heard, immediately followed by, “I'm so sorry I called so early! I kinda completely forgot about the whole time zone thing until the phone was ringing, and then I didn't want to just hang up, especially if I woke you up. I didn't wake you up, did I?”  
  
The brunette felt her lips curl up into a small smile as she listened to Clarke's hurried words.  
  
“No, you did not wake me up,” she informed the blonde as she moved across the hall. Reaching the wall she sat and leaned against it, her knees drawn up to her chest. “Please do not worry, I was already awake before you called. I am an early riser, now.”  
  
“Okay, good,” she heard Clarke say, relief clear in her voice. “I mean, not good, cause I still hate getting up early, but hey, if it works for you, then good. And in this situation it's good, cause I really would have felt bad if I'da woken you up.”  
  
“It would have been worth it,” she replied truthfully, unable to keep the care out of her words, and she heard Clarke go quiet for a minute on the other end.  
  
“Well... good,” the blonde finally murmured. “That's... That's good. I still probably would have felt bad, though.” Lexa smiled, closing her eyes as her head fell back against the wall. She could tell by the tone of the blonde's voice that she was a little flustered, and she could easily picture the blonde biting her lip as she tried to think of what to say. “But anyway... You know why I'm calling, obviously. Merry Christmas, Lexa.”  
  
“Merry Christmas Clarke,” the brunette echoed quietly. “I hope your morning has gone well?”  
  
“Yeah, yeah it's been good so far,” Clarke answered, “You know, the usual.”  
  
“Good,” Lexa replied, her eyes still closed, content just to listen to the blonde breathing on the other end of the line.  
  
“What about you?” she heard instead, “How's your day been so far?”  
  
“Short,” the brunette informed her with a smile, “While you did not wake me, I had not been up for long before you called.”  
  
“Oh, yeah, that makes sense,” Clarke said. “Well, I hope that the rest of your day goes really well.”  
  
“Thank you,” Lexa told her, and then she heard Clarke sigh.  
  
“Well, I should go now,” the blonde told her, “Have to get back to the festivities. Sorry again for calling so early.”  
  
“Clarke wait,” the brunette called out, a little more frantically than she meant to. “Please,” she added, her tone softer once again as she opened her eyes.  
  
“Yeah?” she heard the blonde ask, and Lexa licked her lips nervously. The previous two years when she and Clarke had talked she had said nothing of importance, and for months now she had sworn that this year would be different.  
  
“Are you happy, Clarke?” she asked quietly. “With... with your life? With everything? Are you happy?”  
  
There was a pause, a heavy silence between them, before she heard Clarke say, “I... Yeah. Yeah, I'm happy.”  
  
“Good,” Lexa whispered, closing her eyes once again. “I... I want you to be happy, Clarke.”  
  
“I am,” the blonde told her, and even though she was listening closely she couldn't hear the pain that still tugged at the blonde's heart. They were both quiet for a second before Clarke asked, “What about you? Are you happy Lexa?”  
  
“Yes,” the brunette lied, ignoring the burning in her throat as she murmured the word. “Yes, I am happy, Clarke.”  
  
“Good,” she heard, the word strong even through the phone line. “I want you to be happy too, Lexa.”  
  
The brunette nodded, even though she knew Clarke couldn't see her. She wasn't happy, hadn't been happy for years now, but she could fake it for the blonde. All of this was her own fault, after all.  
  
“Anyway, I really do have to go now,” Clarke finally told her, and she thought maybe she heard a twinge of regret in the blonde's voice. “Again, Merry Christmas, Lexa. I hope you have a really great day.”  
  
“Thank you, Clarke,” Lexa murmured, “Merry Christmas, and I hope you have a great day as well.”  
  
There was another pause, and then the line went dead and the burning in the brunette's throat grew stronger. She ignored it again, pushing it and every other feeling away, and hung up her phone as well. She sat there for just a moment longer before she sighed silently and stood up, pushing herself away from the wall. Her head held high once again and no emotion showing on her face, she moved back to the door on the other side of the hall, turning the handle and pushing it open. Stepping inside, she found the light on, Liz awake and already looking at her, her eyes scanning her face the moment Lexa turned to her. The other girl was still lying in her bed, her head propped up by one of her arms and the bed sheet partially covering her as she twirled Lexa's bra around a finger of her free hand. Lexa met her look, letting the door fall shut behind her.  
  
They watched each other for a long moment, Liz's eyes still scanning Lexa's as the brunette kept every emotion from them, and then the other girl broke the silence, simply saying, “So her name's Clarke, huh?”  
  
Lexa ignored the question, stepping over to where she had dropped her pants in her haste to answer her phone. She pulled them on, telling her, “I will take my bra back now, thank you.” Liz just smirked before she tossed the bra to her, Lexa catching it. Quickly she stripped out of her shirt so that she could easily put the bra back on, immediately pulling the shirt back over her head afterwards. She grabbed her socks from their spot on the floor and the sweater that had fallen near them, stuffing the socks into her pockets. She didn't need to take the time to put them on: she'd rather get cold feet during her walk back to her dorm than stay in this room for even a second longer than needed. She pulled the sweater on even as she slipped her bare feet into her shoes, and then grabbed her jacket that had been left on the floor next to the door. Once she had everything, she turned back to Liz, still laying on her bed and watching her, and nodded.  
  
“Thanks,” she said, not really knowing what else to say, and Liz's smirk grew.  
  
“Yeah, of course, we'll have to do it again sometime,” the other girl replied, and again Lexa nodded even as she once again opened the door. Quickly she slipped out of the room, pulling the door shut behind her, and then headed down the hall.  
  
As she left the building, she pulled her phone out of the pocket she'd put it in as soon as she'd pulled her pants back on. Quickly she scrolled through the contacts, finding Liz's name, and she deleted it. 

 

_Sixth Christmas_

“Jaime, come on, help me with this, would you? You're still young and rugged,” Jake joked, trying to pull out what was apparently a very heavy present from behind the tree.  
  
Jaime laughed and then stood up, unwrapping his arm from around Clarke's shoulders, and made his way over to where her father stood. Together they lifted the heavy gift, and shuffled it over to Abby, whose eyebrows lifted as the gift was set down before her.  
  
Clarke smiled at the picture before her. Jaime looked good standing there, her father clapping him on the back and her mother smiling up at him. He fit, she thought, fit in the picture with the Griffin family. She wondered if she had fit in with his family as well as this yesterday.  
  
It was Christmas time, and since they had been dating for almost nine months, Clarke and Jaime had decided they needed to spend their first Christmas together actually together, rather than separated, so they had decided to split the time up. They had gone to his family for Christmas Eve, and Clarke had loved seeing the difference between his Christmas celebrations (with three sisters, a brother, two brother-in-laws and two nephews, his Christmases at his mother's house were much rowdier than her own. How his mother managed to single-handedly feed that many people she really didn't know) and her own with just her mother and father. But both scenarios had felt good to her: she had felt comfortable among his family, laughing along with his siblings, getting spoiled by his mother, and playing games with his nephews, just as he seemed to be comfortable here with hers. It was a good feeling, knowing that they fit into each others families, and gave her hope for their future, even if it was a little too early in the relationship to really be worrying about that.  
  
Her musings were cut off when she heard her phone ring next to her, and she jumped a bit, startled back into the present. She looked at the phone and smiled, grabbing it, and then got up. As she left the room to head to the bathroom, she saw Jaime send her a curious look, and she just smiled at him, causing him to smile back.  
  
Closing the door behind her after entering the bathroom, she finally answered the still ringing phone.  
  
“Hey,” she said in greeting, smiling. “Merry Christmas!”  
  
“Merry Christmas, Clarke,” she heard Lexa say on the other end of the line, “I hope you are having a happy holiday.”  
  
“I am,” Clarke informed her, still smiling. “I hope you are too. Was your father able to visit you? What's the Christmas feast this year?”  
  
“My father tried to make your mother's rolls this year,” the other girl informed her. “He does not make them as well as Abby does.”  
  
Clarke laughed as she said, “Oh no, Gustus. How many did he burn?”  
  
“I managed to save about half a dozen. The rest were lost causes, I'm afraid,” Lexa replied, and Clarke could hear the smile in her voice.  
  
“Well I'm glad you were able to save some of them, at least,” Clarke told her, but before she was able to say anything else, she heard Jaime call from the living room, “Claaaarke! If you don't get back in the next minute, I'm opening your presents without you!” She rolled her eyes, the smile on her face growing. He could be such a child sometimes. Turning her attention back to Lexa, she said, “I gotta go, Lexa, but I'm really glad you called. It was great to hear your voice again. And...” she trailed off for a second, unsure if she should say this, but decided to plow through it. “And, thanks. For everything. For knowing... Knowing that we had to break up when you left. It took me about four years, but I finally understand why you did it. You just wanted me to be able to have a full life and that's... that's incredible. You're amazing Lexa, and the Marines have no idea how lucky they're going to be to have you. Stay safe, okay?”  
  
There was the slightest of pauses from the other end, and then she heard Lexa say, “I will do my best, Clarke. I am glad that you sound so happy, and that you understand. Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year. Good luck with your final semester before med-school. I know you will do amazing things as well.”  
  
Clarke smiled softly. She missed Lexa less than she had that first year, but that didn't mean she had stopped missing her altogether. She had always known exactly what Clarke needed to hear. Knowing that Lexa believed in her helped her to believe in herself, even if she had been terrified of graduation for almost four months now. Lexa believed that she could do it, so that must mean she could.  
  
“Thanks Lexa. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you too,” she replied, and then after a moment of listening to the silence that was Lexa, she hung up. For a short time, she just stood there, her heart aching ever so slightly for the girl who had left her almost four years ago, but then she heard Jaime's laugh from the living room, and her smile grew again. She still missed Lexa, even still loved her, yes, but she wasn't alone, and had someone new in her life to love, who she knew loved her as well. That made it easier for her to slip the cell phone back into her pocket and leave the bathroom, returning to her family and the guy she hadn't expected to fall for.

***

Lexa stood on the sidewalk, staring at the house across the street, her phone held up to her ear for a moment longer after she heard the beep of the other line going dead. Finally she hung up her own phone and slipped it back into her pocket, but she couldn't take her gaze away from the house in front of her quite yet. At one time in her life, she had known that house almost as well as her own. She had known those front steps and that front door, had even known the Christmas decorations that were scattered out in the small front lawn. She had known that driveway, but now something was not right. She knew two of the cars in that driveway: the third she did not.  
  
Lincoln had told her about him months ago. Not in detail, no, but that he existed. Since then she had considered asking him for more information about this stranger, but had decided against it. This was Clarke's life, and she could do with it what she pleased.  
  
On some level, Lexa was happy for Clarke. She wanted the blonde to be happy always, and if this guy made her happy, then good, nothing was wrong.  
  
Except that it felt wrong. It felt wrong to be standing on the sidewalk across the street while this unknown person sat inside that house that she knew so well, with the family that she loved so much. It felt wrong to not be sitting next to the blonde, watching her eyes glow as each gift was unwrapped. It all just felt wrong.  
  
But this had all been Lexa's decision, and so she shoved that wrongness away, forced it down until she couldn't feel it anymore. She packed it away, just as she had done with any and all emotions that stood in her way of doing what she needed to do, and then with one last look at the house that still felt like a home to her, she turned away, and began the long walk back to her own house where her father was waiting for her so they could have their own holiday celebration. As she walked, she ignored the ache that had grown in her chest the moment she heard the voice on the other end of the line. The ache was ever-present, but it was only at these moments, with Clarke very much in the forefront of her mind that it was impossible to ignore. She walked with her head held high, but inside she felt the ache only grow stronger with every step that took her farther and farther away from the woman who she loved who now loved another.

 

_Seventh Christmas_

Clarke stared at the ceiling in the dark, unable to sleep. She'd been lying there for at least half an hour now, and no matter how comfortable she was or how tired she was, she just couldn't get to sleep. Jaime on the other hand had had no problem passing out. He'd practically fallen into bed, exhausted after a long day of Christmas festivities, and after pulling Clarke close to him and wrapping an arm around her waist, he'd easily fallen unconscious after a final whispered, “Merry Christmas” and a last kiss. Even now his arm still laid across her waist, holding her close to him, and she could feel him breathing softly against her shoulder. He'd barely moved since falling asleep, but that was no surprise: he barely ever moved in his sleep, often able to stay in one position throughout most of the night.  
  
Clarke didn't have to guess why it was she couldn't sleep. The day had been great, the two of them waking up at her parents' house and celebrating with them during the morning, just as they had done the previous year. Then in the afternoon they had gone to Octavia and Lincoln's apartment, and the rest of the evening had been spent celebrating with them and their other friends. Raven had brought her famous eggnog, and that was probably one of the reasons Jaime had passed out so quickly; he was still learning that Raven's eggnog was not for the weak, and that it was always better to have one less cup than you thought you would need, and not one more. Since they had already planned on staying in the guest bedroom and driving the long drive back to their apartment in the morning, she hadn't worried about warning him, instead just letting him have his fun.  
  
So yeah, it had been a great day. A truly merry Christmas. The day had everything that a great Christmas should have. Except for one thing. Just one thing had been missing.  
  
She'd tried calling. It was her year, so she'd tried calling, but the phone had just rung. She'd left a message, but she had no way of knowing if it would ever be heard, and it just wasn't good enough.  
  
“Merry Christmas, Lexa,” Clarke whispered into the dark, but the dark didn't whisper anything back. Feeling like crying, Clarke just closed her eyes, trying to ignore the pit in her stomach, and pushed closer to Jaime, feeling his arm subconsciously wrap tighter around her.

 

_Eighth Christmas_

Lexa stared at the map in front of her, her brow drawn as she ignored the noise around her. She'd been studying the map for over an hour now, trying to think of the best plan of attack for the mission she would be leading in a week. It was just a scouting mission, she knew, but she still wanted to be prepared. Would it be better to keep her unit together, or should she save some time and split the team into two groups, that way they could check out both the east and the north at the same time? They hadn't gotten any reports lately of any large Reaper groups in either direction, so it shouldn't be too dangerous to do so, but at the same time, did she dare even take the chance?  
  
Suddenly a figure sat at the table across from her, pulling her attention away from the map and back into the present. It was only then, with her concentration broken, that she realized how loud it had gotten in the mess. She ignored the noise once again though, raising her eyebrows at Fio as he grinned at her and pushed a mug of something across the table to her.  
  
“Come on Heda, you look way too serious,” he informed her, his grin only growing. “I mean, I know you're always serious, but today's a day for some fun! You beat us all soundly in training this morning, now loosen up and celebrate a little.”  
  
Lexa quirked an eyebrow up, but accepted the drink nevertheless, unsurprised to find it was beer. From the sound of the Marines around her, it was flowing freely and everyone was more than happy to help themselves to it. She took a quick swig of the drink, no longer grimacing at it as she had when she had first been stationed at Polis, and then took a second swig. Setting the mug back on the table away from her map to avoid any spills, she turned her complete attention back to the man across from her, and asked easily, “And what makes this a day for celebration, exactly?”  
  
Fio gave her an odd look, raising both his eyebrows at her.  
  
“You're kidding, right?” he asked, and when Lexa merely raised her eyebrow higher, he whistled. “Holy shit, you aren't kidding. Heda, it's Christmas.”  
  
Lexa's eyes widened, her shock clear. She thought about it for a moment, and realized he was right. She had completely forgotten. Absolutely and completely forgotten. She'd been so preoccupied all week, too busy working with her people and trying to plan a number of upcoming missions, that the holiday had completely slipped her mind. What was worse, the same thing had happened the year before.  
  
“Shit,” she growled, quickly rolling up the map in front of her and ignoring the mug still full of beer. “What time is it?” she asked, trying to figure out how long she'd been in there. It had already begun to get dark out when she had headed into the mess, and she knew she must have at least been in there for an hour or two.  
  
Fio just shrugged, looking at her curiously.  
  
“If I had to guess, I'd say around eight,” he replied, “But I stopped paying attention to the time during my first drink.”  
  
“Thank god,” she muttered as she pushed herself up off of the bench. “Thanks for the drink. Don't get smashed; we still have training in the morning and I will gladly throw your hungover ass in the snow. Tell everyone else the same thing.”  
  
Fio breathed out a heavy sigh and she heard him growl, “We really need to get you wasted sometime, Heda. It'll save us all a beating.”  
  
She just shot him a toothy grin, and then quickly moved around the table, dodging drunken Marines as she headed out into the cold.  
  
It was late, but even if it was already nine there, it would still be early evening for Clarke, which meant she still had time to call. She'd gotten Clarke's message the previous year, and had felt guilty for weeks that she hadn't been able to talk to the blonde girl. Now she had almost missed out again. She called herself all manners of stupid, but at the same time her heart started to beat quickly in her chest. There was still time; she would hopefully be able to hear the blonde's voice in just a few minutes.  
  
Just as she was passing a line of tents in order to get to her own, she heard Captain Rivo call out to her, and from the tone of his voice, she felt her heart sink. She knew that tone: something had happened. Something had happened, and she had now officially missed her chance to call her ex-girlfriend.  
  
Hiding the disappointment on her face, she turned around, back straightening and shoulders squaring. The Captain was moving over to her quickly, and from what she could see of his facial expression in the flickering lights around them, she felt her heart sink even further. Whatever had happened, it wasn't going to be good news.  
  
“Captain,” she simply said as he approached her, keeping her face blank and her tone neutral.  
  
“Lieutenant,” he replied with a nod, and she could now see the anger and worry in his eyes. “We've got a situation. I just got word: a few hours ago a band of Reapers attacked a house in a nearby town. They killed the husband and captured the wife and a little girl. I'm sending your unit out after them. I want those captives back safely.”  
  
Lexa wiped all thoughts of Clarke out of her mind, her brow pulling down as she heard the news.  
  
“I'll go collect my people,” she informed him. “I know at least some of them have been drinking, but if this all happened a few hours ago, they will have time to sober up as we get ready to head out. I'll shove coffee and bread down their throats if I have to.”  
  
He nodded, telling her, “Go inform your people and tell them to get ready, and then come to my tent and we'll go over the details I have. I want you all heading out tonight. I'd let you wait till morning but...”  
  
“No, tonight's better,” Lexa agreed, “The enemy already has a head start. The sooner we leave, the better their captives' chances are.”  
  
Rivo nodded again, and then lifted his chin up, gesturing back towards the mess hall. “Go,” he said, “Round up your people, and then come see me.”  
  
He turned away then, and as soon as he did she mirrored the movement, turning and hurrying back from where she had just come from. The door to the mess was still open, the cold air clearly being used to cool the hot room down, and the moment she stepped inside she scanned the area around her. Almost immediately she spotted a couple of her people, and she moved over to them. When she was just a few feet away, Tony looked up from his conversation with Fio and Tristan, and grinned at her.  
  
“Heda!” he exclaimed, but then he frowned, his brow pulling down. “Shit,” he growled, and Tristan and Fio both turned, following his look. “I know that look.”  
  
“Celebration's over boys,” she informed them as she stopped next to their table. “We've got a mission. We're moving out tonight. Round up everyone else, and if anyone's had too much to drink, force coffee down their throats. I want everyone ready to go in an hour.”  
  
“What's going on, Heda?” Fio asked, but he stood up, leaving his almost full mug on the table. Tristan and Tony stood also, but seemed just as curious as Fio.  
  
“Reaper attack,” she simply told them, and Tristan growled while Tony swore. “They took captives. We're going after them and bringing them home.”  
  
“Gotchya, Heda,” Tony said, “We'll round up the others. It's still early enough, so I doubt anyone's feeling their booze too much. Everyone'll be ready within the hour and waiting for your orders.”  
  
She nodded to him, silently giving him her thanks, and then she turned, needing to go meet Rivo in his tent to get as many details about what had happened as possible. Just before she started to walk away she heard Fio mutter, “So much for a Merry Christmas. Guess this one's just gonna have to be a little bloody.”  
  
She heard Tony and Tristan growl their agreement, and though she didn't say anything, she couldn't help but agree too. The Reapers, like her, must have forgotten what day it was. Or maybe they just didn't care. She had a feeling it was probably the second.  
  
Pushing the holiday from her mind, she quickly left the mess, ready to meet with Rivo and get this mission started.

 

_Ninth Christmas_

_Clarke,_  
  
_If you are reading this, it had better be Christmas day. I mean it Clarke, this letter is specifically for Christmas, not before. So if you are reading this before that day, put it away right now. Is it Christmas day? Clarke? I will know if you read this too soon._  
  
_Now that it is Christmas, since I know you waited to read this like the envelope told you to, then all I have to say is this: Merry Christmas, Clarke. Well, perhaps that isn't the only thing I have to say, but it is the most important. Merry Christmas. I hope you have had a wonderful day so far. How was your morning with your parents? Did Jake finally make you go deaf with his rendition of “Silver and Gold,” or did you join in and both of you torture your poor mother? Neither answer would surprise me in the slightest._  
  
_How are all of our friends? Any predictions on who will get the most drunk on Raven's eggnog tonight? My guess is on Jasper, of course, but now that he has Maya perhaps he does not drink as much, so my second choice is Raven. Even she does not think about how strong her concoction is many times, so it seems like a safe guess. Whoever it is, I know you will take care of them, and if it happens to be you this year as it was Junior year in high school (yes, I still very much can remember that party. I will never forget your attempt at remembering each of the “Twelve Days of Christmas” lyrics or the way your nearly fell over when trying to pull me beneath the mistletoe. It was all very cute, believe me) this is my reminder to you to drink water. Take care of yourself, Clarke._  
  
_I miss you. Even more than usual. Especially today. I will do my best to call you so that we may actually talk, but as always, I cannot be sure I will be able to. Things happen quickly here, as you know..._  
  
_I... I admit that the day is going to be hard for me. I will try to celebrate and be happy, but it is going to be a bit of a challenge. My unit is going to have a little memorial for Fio. It was a year ago today that we learned about the mission, so it just seems right to do so. It will be very hard for all of us, but we feel like we should do it. So I very much hope I will be able to call you. I will need to hear your voice. You make me stronger, Clarke, and I will need that strength today._  
  
_But anyway. I do not wish for this to be sad. Not right now. It is Christmas, and that should make this a happy day. I will spend much of the day thinking about what I will do for you the first Christmas we get to spend together once I return home. I think I will wake you up early (I know, you will hate me for it, but I will make it worth it, I promise), coffee already made by the time I do so. Perhaps I will make you breakfast in bed. Then I will drag you out into our living room where the tree will be all decorated and waiting. We will open gifts, or maybe just sit close on the couch. After all, I know I won't need anything: I will have you beside me again, and what else could I need than that? I think I will spend all morning kissing you, until we must leave for lunch at your parents'. Would you like that? I know I would._  
  
_I will keep imagining it, and that will get me through until that Christmas day comes. It will be here someday, I know._  
  
_I must go now. I miss you more than should be possible, but I do. As I said, I will do my best to call you today, and if not today then it will be soon, I promise, so be waiting for my call if you can. I hope your day is everything you want it to be, Clarke; I will spend every moment of the day thinking of you. Though really that doesn't make it much different than any other day._  
  
_Good-bye for now, Clarke. Merry Christmas, and have a very Happy New Year!_

_Yours,_  
  
_Lexa_

 

_Tenth Christmas_

“Oh my god, she totally just smiled at me! I'm so her favorite aunt,” Raven declared, grinning and sticking her tongue out at Clarke.  
  
The blonde just rolled her eyes before she turned her focus back on the infant in Raven's arms.  
  
“She isn't even two weeks old yet, Raven, she doesn't know how to smile,” she informed the brunette. “She probably just has gas.”  
  
“Nope, it was a smile, she loves me, I'm the favorite,” the other girl just insisted, and Clarke just rolled her eyes again.  
  
“If you're the favorite, then you get to get up with her in the night from now on,” Octavia groaned, flopping onto the couch beside Clarke. “This kid doesn't understand the concept of sleep yet and it's making Momma grouchy.”  
  
Clarke smiled at the new mother, slinging her arm around her friend's shoulder.  
  
“Aww, poor O,” she said, a little laugh escaping. “And poor Lincoln. I remember what you were like during finals week: 'grouchy' isn't exactly the term I would use to describe you when you went for three full days without getting more than ten hours of sleep.”  
  
“I don't know what you're talking about, I was as sweet as ever. I'm always sweet,” Octavia replied, tipping her head up a little. “Even now, after not sleeping a full night in almost two weeks, I'm still the most sweet, good-tempered person you've ever met.” Raven just snorted and Octavia glared at her. “Watch it, Reyes.”  
  
“Oh yeah, you're sweet alright,” the other brunette muttered, and then focused back on the baby in her arms, cooing, “But not as sweet as you are, huh little Emma? You're the sweetest one here, yes you are. You're the best baby in the whole world, even if you don't let your momma sleep.”  
  
Octavia smiled at that, her eyes falling down on her daughter, and she admitted, “Now that I won't argue with.” A moment later she yawned, leaning back further on the couch so that her head was resting against the back of it.  
  
Clarke patted her leg in sympathy, and the other girl looked over at her.  
  
“I hate to be the one to tell you this O, but I think you've got a while to go before she's sleeping through the night,” she informed the young mother. “You've got quite a few nights left before she'll actually let you get your rest.”  
  
“I know,” Octavia groaned, rolling her eyes, but then added with a sigh, “But at least in a few months I won't be the only one who can feed her, so I'll be able to make Lincoln be the one to get up with her.”  
  
“Truth,” Raven agreed, and then asked, “And how is ol' Lincoln doing with being a daddy?”  
  
Octavia's lips curled up into an easy smile before she answered, “Really great. He's already wrapped so completely around her finger. He spoils her rotten, and a lot of nights he'll get up with me just to spend the time with us both.”  
  
“Good man, Lincoln,” Raven said, nodding, and then said to Emma, “You hear that little miss? Your daddy is a good man, and you've already got him all wrapped around your finger. You maintain that, and in your teenage years you'll probably be able to get away with anything, okay? You just remember that, and if you ever need any help with anything, you just call your Auntie Raven and I'll help you get out of whatever trouble you're in. I know how to wrap people around my finger too, so I got your back.”  
  
“Okay, can you not encourage my two-week old to get in trouble?” Octavia asked, lifting her head off the couch and raising her eyebrows at the other brunette who just grinned in response.  
  
Clarke just shook her head, her own lips curling up in a smile as she looked across the room at the little tree standing against the wall. A countless number of packages were under the it, and Clarke had a feeling very few of them were for either of the parents.  
  
“By the looks of those gifts, Lincoln isn't the only one who spoils this little girl,” she inferred, raising her eyebrows at Octavia who just smiled sheepishly.  
  
“Hey, they aren't all from us,” she insisted. “My mom got a a couple of them, Lincoln's parents got a few, Bellamy's present is under there as is Anya's, and both of you put yours under the tree when you got here, so it's totally not all us.” She paused for a moment, and then admitted, “But yes, I do spoil her. A little. Just a little.”  
  
“Of course you do,” Raven agreed, still not looking up from Emma, “How could you not spoil this little bundle of cute? You totally deserve to be spoiled, don't you Emma? Yes you do, and Momma and Daddy and all of your aunties and uncles love doing it. Tell Auntie Clarke that she needs to just get on the bandwagon and understand that you are just going to remain spoiled.”  
  
Clarke and Octavia both laughed, and the blonde shook her head as well, finally saying, “Okay, okay, I'm on the bandwagon. I am more than happy to spoil this little peanut.”  
  
“That's more like it,” Raven declared, nodding once.  
  
Octavia leaned back once again, resting her head, but quickly sat up again, her eyes wide.  
  
“Oh crap, did either of you want a drink while we wait for the guys to get back with the pizza?” she asked. “We've got a bottle of wine. Just because I can't drink it doesn't mean you can't.” She was about to push herself off the couch when Clarke grabbed her arm and pulled her back down.  
  
“Relax O, we're fine,” she assured her while Raven nodded. “If we want a drink, we can get it. It's not like we don't know where you keep it. You just relax.”  
  
“Yeah, chill Momma, we got this, you don't need to worry about us,” Raven agreed, looking up from the baby and flashing the mother a smile. Octavia returned the smile and then flopped back, sighing.  
  
“Alright, that sounds wonderful to me,” she told them, her eyes falling shut as her head fell back.  
  
Clarke grinned as she watched her, and then turned to Raven saying, “She's gonna be out in five minutes, guaranteed.”  
  
“I bet it's gonna be more like three,” the other girl replied, and all they got from Octavia in response was a quick raise of her middle finger, making Raven gasp. “Octavia!” she exclaimed dramatically, “Not in front of the baby! What kind of example are you setting?”  
  
“I'm showing her how to stick up for herself and not let her friends pick on her,” the other girl informed them, her eyes still closed.  
  
Raven shook her head, a mock worried look on her face.  
  
“And what are you going to say when Emma starts flipping people off?” she asked, her tone making Clarke grin.  
  
“I'll blame you,” Octavia insisted, “Just see if I won't. Besides, aren't you the one who just told her you'd be able to get her out of any trouble?”  
  
Her feigned concern breaking, Raven grinned, turning her attention back to the baby in her arms as she replied, “Hell yeah I will.”  
  
“Language,” Octavia muttered, making Raven roll her eyes.  
  
“Oh, so you can give someone the middle finger in front of her, but I can't say the word 'hell?' What kind of double standard is that?” she exclaimed, glaring at the girl whose eyes still hadn't opened.  
  
“I've got one simple answer for you, Raven: I'm the mother,” Octavia replied, her lips turning up into a small smile even though she couldn't see Raven roll her eyes at her.  
  
“Whatever,” she muttered, “I'm the _aunt_. That means I'm the one who gets to give her all kinds of candy when she's older and then send her home to you.”  
  
That got Octavia to open one of her eyes, shooting her own little glare at the other girl as she growled, “Don't you dare.”  
  
Raven laughed and Clarke rolled her eyes and was about to speak up to end this little debate, when suddenly her phone started ringing from her pocket. She quickly pulled it out, and when she saw the number on it her heart began to pick up and her throat went dry, the automatic response she always felt when she saw that number. She knew that area code all too well now after over a year of getting a phone call from Lexa every now and then. She didn't know why she always reacted this way; it wasn't like she was the one who would get the call if something happened to the Marine, but nevertheless whenever she saw that number, the worst possible scenario always came rushing to her mind.  
  
Quickly she answered the phone, licking her lips once before saying, “Hello?”  
  
“Clarke,” she heard, and then that worst possible scenario was wiped from her mind and a large smile broke out on her face.  
  
“Lexa,” she murmured, and both of the girls next to her went quiet, knowing better than to bicker at the moment. “Hi.”  
  
“Hello Clarke,” Lexa replied, and she could hear the smile in the other girl's voice. “Merry Christmas. I apologize for calling so late. It has been a busy day here.”  
  
“No, no that's fine, don't worry about it,” Clarke assured her, and then the worry crept back into her voice as she asked, “Is everything okay?”  
  
“Yes,” Lexa assured her quickly, “Yes, all is well. We just got back from a simple scouting mission and then I had to report to my captain. There is nothing to worry about.”  
  
“Good,” Clarke breathed, and then her eyes moved to each of the girls beside her. “I'm actually at Octavia's right now with her and Raven and Emma. Wanna say hi?”  
  
“Absolutely,” she heard Lexa say, and Clarke took the phone from her ear, turning it quickly to speakerphone.  
  
“Hi Lexa!” Octavia exclaimed, quickly followed by Raven's, “Hey Lexa, Merry Christmas!”  
  
“Hello and a Merry Christmas to you both as well,” they all heard Lexa say, and then she added, “And a very very Merry First Christmas to little Emma! I hope she is enjoying every moment of it.”  
  
“She is, definitely,” Raven informed her, “She smiled at me, so clearly I'm her favorite aunt. Just so you know who your competition is when you get back.” She winked at the phone, even though she knew Lexa couldn't see it, and they heard the amusement in the other girl's voice as she replied, “Duly noted, Raven. I will spend my time here figuring out how to de-throne you.”  
  
“How's everything with you, Lexa?” Octavia asked. “You're okay, right?”  
  
“Yes Octavia, I am well,” they heard her reply, “Things are fairly well over here right now. A number of Marines are drunk, and I've heard more than one poorly sung Christmas song since returning back to the base. There will be many more, if previous years are anything to go by.”  
  
“Man, I bet Marines are fantastic partiers,” Raven mused, and they heard Lexa let out a little chuckle.  
  
“They do have their moments,” she admitted, “And they will drink as much as they need to in order to get to those moments. Though they would not need to drink nearly as much if they had access to some of your eggnog rather than just the beer that we have. That stuff would knock them on their asses.”  
  
“Language,” Octavia said automatically, and Clarke and Raven rolled their eyes while they heard Lexa chuckle again.  
  
“My apologies, Emma,” she told the infant, “I am afraid that was the Marine in me speaking. I should have said that your Aunt Raven's eggnog would knock them on their behinds.”  
  
“Much better,” Octavia said with a grin, and then looked over at Raven and added, “See? Lexa understands the importance of using appropriate language in front of the baby.”  
  
Raven just rolled her eyes, and Clarke shook her head as she began to stand up.  
  
“Okay, we're going off of speakerphone now if all you guys are gonna talk about is what words you can and can't say in front of the baby,” she informed them, and Octavia just stuck her tongue out at her. Raven raised her eyebrows at the blonde instead, giving her a look as she moved to the doorway to the kitchen.  
  
“Yeah, sure, that's why you're taking us off speakerphone,” she replied, and then yelled after her, “Enjoy your Christmas dirty talk! Remember there's a baby in here, so keep it PG!”  
  
Clarke rolled her eyes, turning the corner into the kitchen, and then moved to the small table, pulling out a chair to sit in. As she sat, she put the phone back up to her ear and asked, “You heard that, didn't you?”  
  
“I did,” Lexa replied, and Clarke could practically see her nodding. “And while I am certainly never against hearing your dirty talk, I fear there are too many Marines walking around me to really be able to do that at this current moment. As much as I would enjoy it.”  
  
Clarke smiled, telling her, “I'd enjoy it too, but I've got a pair of knuckleheads with a baby in the next room, so don't exactly have a ton of privacy on my end either. I'll add something dirty to my next letter to make up for it.”  
  
“I very much look forward to your next letter then, even more so than usual,” Lexa informed her. “But anyway, all that aside: how are you, Clarke? Have you had a good day?”  
  
Clarke's smile softened, her eyes closing so that it was easier to picture Lexa as they talked.  
  
“Yeah, it's been a good day,” she told her, “Kind of the usual. You know, celebrated with Mom and Dad this morning, and then made my way over here where we've all been crooning over the baby all day. Bellamy and Lincoln went out a little while ago to get some pizzas for us all. No one felt like cooking anything, and we definitely didn't expect Octavia and Lincoln to do the cooking. Poor O looks like she could fall asleep at any minute.”  
  
“Emma does not enjoy sleeping at night, I take it?” Lexa asked, and Clarke nodded.  
  
“Yeah, so poor O has been up with her, which means she's not sleeping either,” she replied, “The joys of parenthood, I guess.”  
  
“Indeed,” Lexa agreed, and Clarke's smile grew just slightly. She leaned over the table, resting her head down on the arm in front of her, the phone still held to one ear.  
  
“Tell me about you, Lexa,” Clarke insisted, “How's the unit? How's Tristan's leg injury doing? You aren't pushing him too hard, are you? Do you have any injuries that I should know about? You aren't pushing yourself too hard either, right? I know you're tough Lexa, but even you need to rest sometimes.”  
  
She heard the the brunette laugh, and the sound only made her smile grow more.  
  
“I am well Clarke, I promise,” the girl on the other end of the line insisted, “There is nothing you need to worry about. Tristan's leg has healed nicely, and I never push any of my people too hard, I do not know what you are talking about. The rest of the unit is well also, and I do get rest when I need it. Now tell me how medical school is going.”  
  
Clarke told her, and then asked more of her own questions and the two talked for almost fifteen minutes without either of them realizing that much time had gone by. Clarke was finally pulled back to reality when she heard the door to Octavia's apartment open, Bellamy exclaiming, “We have returned and we have pizza!” She tried to ignore them and the noise their arrival created, instead focusing on Lexa again and what she was saying, but she heard extra noise now in the background from Lexa's side as well. Finally she heard the other girl sigh, saying, “Clarke, I am afraid I must go now. There are others who wish to use the phone, and I am getting a few glares.”  
  
The blonde felt her heart sink the same way it always did every time she had to hang up after talking with Lexa, but she forced the feeling away.  
  
“Yeah, I get it, that's fine. Bellamy and Lincoln are back with the pizza too so I should probably be getting back to all of them,” she replied, even though she still kept her eyes closed. She could picture Lexa nodding, and the image pulled at the corners of her lips, even as she felt a tear or two forming at the corners of her eyes.  
  
“Goodnight Clarke,” she heard Lexa say softly. “Merry Christmas, and have a very Happy New Year. I miss you.”  
  
“I miss you too,” she whispered back. “Goodnight Lexa. Merry Christmas, and I hope you have a wonderful New Year too.”  
  
They both simply listened to the other breathe on the other end of the line for another moment, and then she heard a quiet sigh from the other end of the line, and then there was a click and the line went dead. Clarke kept the phone to her ear for just a moment longer, and then finally opened her eyes and picked her head up off of the table. She moved her phone, hanging it up before putting it back in her pocket, and then roughly rubbed her sleeve against her eyes. She took a deep breath and then stood up. Her heart felt heavy, as it always did after talking to Lexa, but as she re-entered the living room she felt her lips turn up into another small smile as Octavia and Raven both turned to her, each giving her their own encouraging smile. She sighed again as she sat back down between them, accepting the slice of pizza Bellamy handed to her. Someday she'd have more than just a phone call or letter on Christmas; someday she'd have Lexa next to her again, she just had to be patient. With her best friends on either side of her, it was a little easier to find that patience. 

 

_Eleventh Christmas_

Lexa lifted her drink to her mouth, using it to cover up her grin as Artigas's drink was once again stolen from him, Shet being the one this time to quickly grab it from the table in front of the young Marine. A number of the Grounders laughed as the young man glared at his fellow Marine, Shet simply returning the look with a grin.  
  
“Come on asshole, knock it off and give me my drink back,” Art growled, his glare only making Shet's grin grow.  
  
“Hey, sorry Art, but you ain't old enough to drink this yet,” Shet informed him, passing the cup to Marques on his other side after taking a sip, the other man gladly accepting it and taking a big swig of his own. “As an enforcer of the law, I can't let you have this.”  
  
Artigas rolled his eyes replying, “You're not an enforcer of the law, you're an idiot with a gun. Now give it back.”  
  
“No can do, Kid,” Marques said, his own lips turning up, “No booze for you till you start shaving.”  
  
“I shave!” Artigas exclaimed indignantly, even as Marques passed the drink over to Tristan and the other man grabbed it and took a drink. “I've been shaving for years. I'm twenty, not twelve.”  
  
“Twenty still isn't legal,” Jay reminded him, taking the offered drink from Tristan before he took his own drink of it and passed it to Echo. She accepted it from him and passed it to Lexa, the brunette bringing her own cup from her lips and taking a quick swig of the offered drink before passing it on to Ryder.  
  
“Yeah, well it still isn't as young as you all make it seem,” Art grumbled, and then he turned to Lexa and asked, “How old are you Heda, you can't be much older 'en me? Did you have to put up with this shit?” Quint, sitting next to the kid, smacked him upside the head. “Ow!” he exclaimed, turning to the other Marine, “What was that for?!”  
  
“Don't you know anything?” Quint growled at him, “You never ask a woman her age. It'll get ya killed.”  
  
“Kids these days,” Tristan groaned, shaking his head, “You can't teach 'em anything.”  
  
The cup continued around in the circle, but Lexa tore her eyes from it and instead looked at Artigas, the corners of her lips pulling up into a little grin as well.  
  
“When I joined the Marines I was of legal drinking age, though perhaps not by much,” she informed him. “As for whether or not I was picked on for my age, there were ranking officers who told me to stay quiet and listen to my elders, but few others who commented on it.” Her eyes swept around the circle again, meeting the eyes of those who had been with her back at the beginning, and added, “Certainly no one here thought to mention it.” It wasn't entirely true: there had been whispers when she had started that she was too young to lead what was sure to become such a renowned team, but she felt none of that needed to be brought up now.  
  
“Yeah,” Jay scoffed, taking a swig of his own beer, “We all liked our balls right where they are. She already kicks our asses enough, we don't need to put our balls in jeopardy too.” Those others who'd been with her for almost five years now all mumbled their agreement. As they did so, the traveling cup was handed to Quint, who tilted his head back and took a long gulp from it, and then held it back out to Artigas.  
  
“There you go, Kid,” he told the young Marine beside him, “I'd say this is a good amount for you to have.” Artigas quickly grabbed the cup, and then looked in it before he glared first at Quint and then at the rest of them. Lexa didn't need to see how light the cup now looked to know it was empty.  
  
“You can all go fuck yourselves,” Art growled as he stood up.  
  
A couple of people laughed again, a few grinned, and the rest pretended to be offended. Shet was one of them, his jaw dropping open a little too quickly. He turned back to the group, asking, “Alright, who taught the kid that kind of language?”  
  
“I'm telling ya, it's just what happens with kids now,” Tristan insisted, shaking his head, “They think using big language like that makes 'em a man, and then show absolutely no respect for their elders.”  
  
“This world's goin' to shit and this is the generation we think'll fix things?” Marques asked, shaking his head much in the same way Tristan had. Artigas gave them all the middle finger and then turned away from them, heading over to the corner of the mess to get another beer.  
  
Echo watched him go, and then she turned her attention to Shet, raising her eyebrows at him as she asked, “How many more times are you going to steal his drink?” The other Marine just grinned, telling her, “As many times as it takes for him to figure out how to hold on to it. This's working out for me: I haven't had to get up to get a new drink in almost an hour.”  
  
Lexa laughed along with the rest of her people, shaking her head as she did so. Suddenly their laughter was interrupted as a group of drunk Marines a few tables away started loudly singing Christmas carols, and Marques, Jay and Shet were all quick to join in. Soon most of the people in the room were singing, and while the noise was far less than pleasant, it still made Lexa smile as she joined in.  
  
After a very drunken rendition of “Jingle Bells,” the singing tapered off, and the Grounders all turned back to their table, most of them taking drinks of their beers. Artigas had joined them again as everyone sang, and this time when Shet reached out to grab his drink, he was quick enough to get it out of the other man's reach. Lexa laughed at the glare the young Marine shot him, and couldn't help but think that this might be a good training trick to increase everyone's reflexes.  
  
Leaning forward and resting one arm on the table, Tristan turned to Artigas again.  
  
“So Kid, what would you be doing right now if you weren't here?” he asked, shooting the younger man a half grin.  
  
Artigas turned to him, holding his drink firmly in both hands before him, but his face softened. A little smile broke out on his face as he said, “I'd be with my family. My ma always goes crazy around the holidays, stringing up the tree with so many lights it could just about blind ya. She loves Christmas, and me n' Dad, we've learned to just go with it.”  
  
Shet grinned, nodding as he told them all, “She sounds like my fiancee.” He rolled his eyes, but Lexa noticed the way his eyes shone. “She's friggin nuts for Christmas, always making me put up the tree right after Thanksgiving.”  
  
“Our big celebration is always on Christmas Eve,” Echo said quietly, her lips pulling up as she looked down into her drink, clearly remembering past years. “The entire family gets together; aunts, uncles, cousins, just everyone. We gorge ourselves on food, and then gather up to do presents.”  
  
“Yeah, my family does the same thing, but on Christmas,” Jay told her. “I swear there is nothing more terrifyin' than a five year old who was just told he has to wait to open his presents. Definitely nothing as loud, at least.” A few of them chuckled, and he grinned, looking around the group. His eyes landed on Lexa, and his grin grew. “What about you, Heda?” he asked. “What would you and that hot blonde ex of yours be doing now if you weren't here with the greatest Marine unit ever?”  
  
“And feel free to add in as many details as you want,” Shet added, wiggling his eyebrows at her, and she just rolled her eyes at him, though she couldn't stop the pull of her lips as they turned up into a grin. She looked down into her drink and that grin softened.  
  
“We'd probably be drinking eggnog,” she replied, and she could almost feel the disappoint coming off of them. She shook her head, her grin growing again as she looked around the group. She saw Quint making a face at her before he growled, “Eggnog is disgusting.” She laughed, nodding.  
  
“It is,” she agreed, “And the stuff our friend makes is worse, but all it takes is one cup of the stuff and you're guaranteed to be drunk. Two or three cups and you're knocked on your ass before the cup's even empty.” She looked up then, her tone softening as she shrugged and said, “We'd be spending the evening with our friends. A couple of them had a baby a little over a year ago, so we'd all probably be paying attention to her. We'd all probably just be hanging out. And then later...” she trailed off, shrugging.  
  
“Later you'd get down and dirty with that hot blonde of yours,” Marques finished for her, smirking, and Lexa rolled her eyes once again. She ignored him, turning her attention to Echo as the other woman simply said, “It all sounds like a good use of the holiday.”  
  
“I'd leave the lot of you in a second to be there right now,” Lexa replied, her tone only partially joking. They all nodded, each of them clearly understanding and agreeing with her.  
  
The conversation tapered off, each lost in their own thoughts, so Lexa allowed hers to drift, and to no surprise those thoughts immediately drifted to Clarke. She'd called the blonde again this year, able to talk to her for almost a half hour before she'd had to hang up. As always, the conversation was hours shorter than she wanted it to be, and the moment she had hung up she had missed the other girl's voice. She had the letter that Clarke had written her for the holiday, and had already read it eight times that day, but the letter and a voice on the other end of the line just wasn't what she wanted. She wanted Clarke, wanted to be able to hold her again, to wish her a Merry Christmas in person, but she knew that wasn't going to happen, not this year. Someday it would, or at least she dared to hope that someday it would, and for the moment she would focus on that someday. She just couldn't help but wonder how many more Christmases she could go without Clarke, or how many more she would have to go. This whole unknown thing had never been easy, but lately she had begun to wonder just how long it would last. How many more Christmases did she have to go before she finally could be with her love again?

 

_Twelfth Christmas_

Lexa swore under her breath, threatening the coffee maker in front of her. Mumbling something about throwing it against the wall if it didn't start cooperating, she finally managed to push the old pot onto the warming plate as the coffee maker slid back on the counter, lightly hitting the wall. Giving it a satisfying nod, she flipped the switch and it suddenly came to life before her. As the coffee brewed, she moved around the cramped kitchen trying to get everything else ready while making as little noise as possible. The walls in their apartment were thin, and with their bedroom just on the other side of the kitchen, she didn't want to take the chance of waking the blonde up.  
  
She opened the cupboard above the coffee maker and grabbed a small plate and bowl, managing to balance the bowl on the plate as she pulled them from the shelf. Quickly she placed them on the counter, reaching up and closing the cupboard once they were out of her hand. Once done, she moved over to the freezer and opened it, holding the door open with her right shoulder as she dug around for the bag of english muffins she'd put in there a few days ago. Finding them hiding behind a bag of frozen fruit, she pulled them out, letting the door swing shut as she turned back to the counter. She glared at the twist tie on the bag before using her hip to hold the bag against the counter, using her one good hand to open the bag while her bad arm remained firmly wrapped in its sling.  
  
It'd been just a little over a month since she'd left the Marine's due to her injuries, and during that time neither her arm nor her hand had showed any progress. She could finally breathe again without pain shooting through her chest, and sure, that certainly made her feel a ton better, but the fact that her arm was still just dead weight continued to discourage her. She'd started physical therapy two weeks ago, and her therapist as well as her doctors (and Clarke) all told her that it would more than likely still be some time before she saw any improvement with the arm, she would just have to be patient. She could be patient (hadn't she spent the past almost ten years being patient?), but patience only went so far when you had to go through life figuring out how to live and work around only being able to use one arm. She still forgot at times and would go to do something that had once been so easy she didn't even need to think about it, but that now became a challenge she had to overcome. Still, Lexa Woods was nothing if not stubborn, and so she continued to find a way to make things work for her, and there was certainly no way she was going to let her arm stop her this morning.  
  
She managed to get the bag open and pulled out two english muffins, putting them on the plate she'd already got out before she tossed the bag and what was still in it on the counter beside her. She'd worry about clean up later. Pulling open the drawer in front of her, she grabbed a knife and pushed the drawer closed with her hip and then looked at the muffins and then back at the knife. She had not yet mastered how to cut things without being able to hold them down, especially when they were so light they would easily move. More often than not Clarke cooked for her, cutting what needed to be cut (it would make her feel like a child if she didn't kind of like having Clarke take care of her). Normally when the blonde wasn't there, she stuck to foods that didn't involve a lot of work, so these english muffins presented a bit of a challenge to her. She tried various ways to successfully cut them in half, but none of the ways worked, and by the time she gave up on her third attempt one of the muffins looked as though she'd tried to stab it to death, its crumbs scattered along the counter.  
  
“What are you doing?”  
  
Lexa jumped, and she was suddenly very glad she hadn't decided to try holding down the english muffin with her chin like she had just been thinking about. With all of her other injuries, she didn't need to add a stab wound to the list. She turned, seeing Clarke standing next to the refrigerator, her hair still mussed from sleep and in an over-sized t-shirt and pajama pants. She yawned, stretching a little as she did so, but then looked back to Lexa, an eyebrow raising at her as her lips pulled up into a little smile.  
  
The brunette lifted her head, trying to look as though she hadn't been caught trying to think of the best way to kill the bread before her.  
  
“I am cutting these english muffins,” she merely replied before cocking her own eyebrow. “What does it look like?”  
  
She noticed the blonde's lips pull into a little grin as she stepped forward, moving across the small space between them, and she nodded as she said, “That is exactly what it looks like, of course. I don't know why I thought I needed to ask.” She knew the blonde was teasing her lightly, but still leaned into the touch when Clarke's side pressed against hers. The blonde turned to look at her and Lexa met the look as she asked, “Would you like some help though?”  
  
Lexa sighed, dropping the knife to the counter next to the many crumbs and tortured-but-still-whole muffins.  
  
“No,” she grumbled, “What I would like is to be able to cut an english muffin on my own. I would like to be able to bring my fiancee breakfast in bed as promised, but my arm, these muffins, and the fact that my fiancee is no longer in bed is preventing me from being able to do that.”  
  
“Hey,” Clarke said to her, turning, her hands moving to the brunette's hips and turning her towards her as well. One of the blonde's hands moved to Lexa's jaw, gently holding it in place so that she couldn't look away. Lexa didn't try to look away though, instead looking down into blue eyes that she wanted to spend the rest of her life looking into. “We've been over this,” the blonde continued, her voice as gentle as the thumb that rubbed against a stubborn jaw. “Your arm's gonna heal, but it's not going to be a quick process. You have to be patient. You almost got blown up and then stabbed, Lexa: you can't expect to bounce back from all of that within a month.”  
  
“It's been over a month,” Lexa argued, mostly just for the sake of clarity. Clarke just rolled her eyes, her lips once again pulling up at the corners.  
  
“Fine; you can't expect to bounce back from all of that in just over a month,” she amended. “You only just started physical therapy, Lexa. It's gonna take time.”  
  
The brunette sighed, pushing herself lightly against the blonde before she gave in, saying, “I know, I know. I just have to be patient.” She scrunched up her nose at that last word, already sick of hearing it thrown at her from everyone around her, but it was worth it when her look made the blonde laugh slightly.  
  
“Yes, patient,” Clarke agreed, “And that means letting me help you even with something like cutting an english muffin.” She then pushed herself up, bringing her lips up to meet Lexa's, and the brunette closed her eyes, sinking into the light kiss. God, she could die happy just so long as she got to kiss those lips every day; something which she made sure to do now that she was home and had the freedom and ability to do so. She was still a little lost in the kiss when Clarke pulled back, still smiling up at the brunette before she turned and once again took in the sight before her. Raising her eyebrows again, she asked, “But anyway, remind me again why you are trying to cut english muffins?” She looked even more confused when she added, “And when did you promise to bring me breakfast in bed?”  
  
Lexa grinned, looking down at Clarke again as she informed her, “Three years ago today. In my Christmas letter to you I wrote that when we were finally able to spend another Christmas together I would bring you breakfast in bed.”  
  
Clarke's jaw dropped open just a little bit, surprise evident on her face as she exclaimed, “I can't believe you remember that!”  
  
“Of course I remember,” the brunette replied easily, shifting slightly against the counter. “It was all I could really think about that Christmas and both since.”  
  
“Oh really?” Clarke asked, and Lexa nodded. “Alright, well what else did you think about for this first Christmas of ours? First since high school, at least.”  
  
Lexa shrugged with her good shoulder before saying, “Not much, I admit. A big part of it was supposed to be the breakfast in bed. And the fact that I was supposed to wake you up with that breakfast.” The corner of her mouth turned up just slightly as she turned, using her head to gesture towards it as she added, “At least I did manage the coffee.” The words and gesture drew Clarke's attention to the coffee maker and Lexa's smile grew as Clarke sighed happily.  
  
“And that is absolutely all I need,” the blonde told her, reaching out and opening the cupboard again and grabbing two coffee mugs. “Honey, breakfast would have been great, but the fact that there's coffee means I'm happy.” She grabbed the pot of newly made coffee, removing it from its hot plate so easily that Lexa didn't want to think about the challenge she'd had putting it on there, and then poured out two steaming cups, one for each of them. Putting the pot back, Clarke grabbed her mug in both hands and brought it up to her face, inhaling the scent of the strong drink. She closed her eyes as though in bliss, and Lexa grinned while shaking her head.  
  
“If I had known I would have to fight with the coffee for your attention, I might not have made it,” she joked, turning so that she could pick up her own mug as well. Clarke opened her eyes and looked back at her, grinning as she assured her, “Don't worry Lexa, you're important to me too. And after I've finished my coffee, we can talk about how important.” Lexa's jaw dropped open in feigned hurt, making Clarke laugh.  
  
“Ouch,” the brunette said, “I imagined this day over and over for years, and here I am being shown up by a cup of coffee. Well, I guess we know who your favorite is now.”  
  
Clarke laughed again even as she shook her head, and then she turned so that she was once again facing the brunette. Quickly and carefully she reached out and took Lexa's mug from her and placed both cups back on the counter. Turning back into Lexa, she pushed herself closer, her head tilting up as she met Lexa's eyes and murmured, “You're my favorite. No contest. Even with the coffee.”  
  
Lexa was about to say, “Good,” but the word got cut off as Clarke once again pressed her lips against the brunette's, her arms encircling the taller girl's waist and pulling her closer. Their eyes fell closed, and Lexa's good arm moved to the blonde's neck, gently cupping it as she turned into the kiss. They stayed together for a long moment, content just to be so close to one another, both smiling when they finally broke apart. They stood in silence for a few seconds just looking at each other before Clarke bumped her shoulder against Lexa's.  
  
“So anyway, was the breakfast really all you had planned, or was there any more to this morning that you had thought out?” she asked, her fingers trailing to the hem of Lexa's t-shirt. Her tone seemed innocent enough, but the way the blonde was looking at her through those long eyelashes and the way her fingers twisted in the fabric beneath them, Lexa knew nothing she had in mind matched the innocence of her tone. The brunette's mouth went a little dry, and she could see the little smirk tucked away at the corners of the blonde's lips as she replied, “Well, the rest of what I was thinking can take place on the couch.” The blonde's smirk grew, her face pressing just a hair closer to Lexa's as she murmured, “Good plan, so far.” A moment later and Clarke had once again picked up the two coffee cups, taking a long sip from hers as she pushed the other into Lexa's hand, and then her free hand moved once again to the hem of Lexa's shirt and her fingers wrapped around the fabric, pulling the brunette with her as she led the way out of the small kitchen and into the equally small living room. She led them to the couch and they both sat down, careful not to spill their coffee. As soon as they were seated, Clarke tucked herself against the brunette, being as careful as ever not to bump her bad arm. Settling against the couch, Clarke sighed, leaning just a little closer to the other girl.  
  
“Yep, this is a good idea,” she said quietly. “This is all I need.” She felt Lexa move, and turned towards her, finding the brunette looking at her with a little grin on her face.  
  
“Well of course it is,” she replied, her tone teasing once again, “You have both of your loves with you, what else could you want?” Her eyes dipped to the coffee mug still clutched in her hand, and Clarke's followed, also grinning before bringing the cup to her lips once again.  
  
“Absolutely nothing,” she agreed with a nod before taking another sip, and her grin only grew as she saw Lexa roll her eyes before taking a drink of her own coffee. Clarke turned slightly, her eyes moving away from the brunette, and as they moved they seemed drawn to the corner of the room. It was her turn to roll her eyes before she told the other girl, “You know, we really need to unpack those boxes soon.”  
  
This was only their third week in the little apartment, and between Clarke's residency hours and Lexa's physical therapy hours, they had not done as well moving in as they would have liked. Boxes still sat around the apartment waiting to be looked into and taken care of, only the most important things having already found a permanent home. The living room held the majority of the untouched boxes, and most of them had been shoved into the corner so that they would stop stubbing their toes on them as they tried to move around in the cramped space.  
  
“But they make such a nice table for the tree,” Lexa insisted, the smile tugging on her lips as her eyes too moved over to the corner, traveling up the boxes to find the two-foot fake tree they had bought a week ago. She'd wanted to get a real tree, but Clarke had argued that the space wasn't big enough for a real tree, especially with them just moving in and getting situated. Lexa had decided not to push for it, knowing that she wouldn't be able to help get a real tree in or out of the third floor apartment as much as she would have liked, and had given in to buying the small fake tree instead. She figured it made more sense to have the small tree anyway, considering they didn't have many ornaments to hang on it anyway, and a big tree would have just looked sad with the few they did have. Thinking about the ornaments, Lexa's eyes drifted to the one sticking out at the very front of the tree, and even from the few feet away she could see the cartoon lion and raccoon smiling at them. When Clarke had taken the ornament out, carefully unwrapping it from the newspaper she had used to keep it safe and whole, Lexa's heart had leaped the same way it did now just looking at it.  
  
“Yeah, but the tree won't be up for much longer,” Clarke argued playfully, eyebrows raising. “Trees come down after Christmas, and when that one comes down we really need to take care of those boxes.” Lexa just sighed, letting her head drop back to the couch even as she continued to look at the tree and many boxes around it, none of which meant what boxes under a tree at this time of year usually meant.  
  
“Fine,” she gave in, “We'll unpack them. But not until tomorrow. Today we celebrate and ignore responsibility.” Clarke grinned and nodded, saying, “Agreed.” Her grin turned into a smirk as she shifted, one arm resting on the top of the couch as she looked at Lexa and added, “Now that that's settled, I believe we came to the couch for a reason.”  
  
“Mm, we did,” Lexa agreed, turning towards Clarke as well after she placed her coffee mug on the small table beside her. Clarke reached over and did the same with her cup, hers empty whereas Lexa's still held a little coffee in it. “Remind me: what time are we going over to your parent's?”  
  
Clarke's smirk grew as she moved, swinging one leg over Lexa's so that she sat straddling the brunette's lap. Her hands moved up, one bracing itself against the couch by Lexa's head, the other moving to tangle her fingers lightly in the other girl's hair.  
  
“We're supposed to be there at 10:30,” she answered, her eyes trailing over Lexa's face and neck, too focused on the girl beneath her to really pay attention to what she said. “Your father should be showing up right around then too, and lunch is at 11:30. So we've got another couple of hours before we need to go.”  
  
“Plenty of time,” Lexa murmured, and Clarke smiled as she leaned down.  
  
“Mm,” she agreed, “Plenty of time indeed.” She closed the distance between them quickly, her mouth meeting Lexa's, and again they were kissing, eyes closing as they came into contact. This time as their lips came together, they could taste the coffee on the others tongue, and the taste caused Lexa's lips to quirk up just slightly. Clarke ignored it though, both of her hands moving to Lexa's head now and urging it up some so that she could deepen the kiss. Lexa gladly followed the motion, allowing Clarke to move her any way she wished as her arm moved to the blonde's waist, slipping beneath the her shirt so that she could press her palm against Clarke's lower back. Clarke pushed against the touch, slowly pushing herself even closer to the brunette, and then for a long time they simply sat together, their mouths pushing and pulling against each other. When they pulled apart for air, Clarke's lips quickly moved to Lexa's jaw and then down her neck, her lips and teeth nipping lightly at the skin beneath them. The brunette sighed into the touches, perfectly content until she suddenly remembered another part of her morning plans for the blonde.  
  
“Clarke?” she said quietly, doing her best now to ignore the pull of the other girl's lips against her neck or how one of her hands had slipped to the hem of her shirt and had slowly begun to pull it up.  
  
“Hm?” she felt Clarke say against her, and the vibrations against her neck caused her to take in a sharp breath. She felt Clarke grin against her and had to fight her own grin from forming.  
  
“Would you mind looking under the couch?” she asked, a mysterious edge to her tone, “I believe there is something there for you.” She felt Clarke stiffen against her, and when the blonde's lips pulled away from her as she sat back up, those blue eyes looked at her suspiciously.  
  
“Nooo,” Clarke replied slowly, drawing the word out, “There can't be something there for me Lexa, because we agreed not to get each other gifts. Remember? We said that just being together again was the best gift either of us could possibly get. So there shouldn't be anything under this couch for me.” The brunette just smirked, the suspicious playfulness not leaving her eyes.  
  
“Well then perhaps I am mistaken,” she simply said with a shrug, “But I do believe I saw something there.” Clarke narrowed her eyes at her, and then shifted herself so that she could look under the couch and sure enough, there was a thin rectangular gift laying on the floor beneath them.  
  
“Lexa!” she exclaimed even as she hung partially off of the couch, “We said no gifts!” Even as she spoke she grabbed the present, pulling it up with her as she sat back up. Once up, she glared at the other girl whose smirk had only grown, telling her, “Seriously Lexa, I don't need anything else. I've got the one thing I've been wanting for Christmas for ten years now; I've got you.”  
  
The brunette's face softened and then she leaned forward, pressing her lips once again to Clarke's.  
  
“And I have got the one thing that I have been wanting for Christmas as well,” she whispered once she pulled back, eyes moving to Clarke's. “I have you.” Even in her annoyance, the blonde couldn't help but let the corners of her lips turn up, mirroring Lexa's look. “But,” the brunette added, pulling back just a bit and turning her eyes down to the gift still in Clarke's hand. “This gift is not for you; it is for us, and for our apartment. Open it.”  
  
The blonde sighed, shaking her head, but nevertheless she began to carefully rip off the paper. She frowned a little as one corner of the gift came into view, and then as the rest of it followed the frown was replaced by laughter. The gift was a DVD called “The Original Christmas Classics,” and listed among the movies on it was _Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer_.  
  
“You got us _Rudolph_!” Clarke exclaimed through her laughter, and Lexa nodded, smiling.  
  
“Yes,” she said, “I figured this way we can easily continue the tradition of watching it once we have finished with gifts, and we can bring it with us to your parents' house and delight your father with it. Now he will not have to wait for commercials to be over before he can sing once again.”  
  
Clarke shook her head, the smile on her face showing no sign of leaving any time soon, even as she leaned forward and pressed another kiss to her fiancee's lips. A moment later she pulled back just far enough so that she could look into green eyes, those eyes turning up to meet her own.  
  
“I love you, Lexa,” she murmured, pressing her forehead against the other girl's. “Merry Christmas.”  
  
Lexa smiled, pushing back against the small touch.  
  
“I love you as well, Clarke,” she whispered. “Merry Christmas.”

 

  
**Bonus:** _First Full Family Christmas_  


 

It was the shift in the bed that woke Lexa up, Clarke turning over in her sleep beside her. It was dark enough in their bedroom that the brunette wasn't entirely sure she'd actually opened her eyes until she turned to the side and saw the red glow from the clock beside their bed. Reading the clock with tired eyes, Lexa yawned. No wonder it was so dark: it was barely five o'clock in the morning. Still, she was awake, and past experience had taught her that once she awoke in the morning, there was no sense in trying to get back to sleep. On this morning especially, she figured she might as well get up and get ready for the day. She shrugged the covers off of her, carefully turning so that her legs hung off the edge of the bed, and then slowly sat up. She moved as quietly as she could, not wanting to wake up her sleeping wife, figuring that one of them at least deserved to get a few more minutes of sleep, and stood up, tiptoeing across the room. After four years of living together in this bedroom, she knew how to cross the room without stepping on any of the squeaky floorboards even in the dark, successfully making it to the door without making a sound. Carefully she opened the door and slipped into the hallway, turning the light on after she had closed the door behind her. Less worried about being quiet now, she moved down the hallway, stopping briefly outside the two bedroom doors as she went. Both were opened just enough that she could peak in, finding all three of her children still sleeping.  
  
_Talk about a Christmas miracle_ , the brunette thought to herself, glad that none of the three kids seemed to feel the need to jump out of bed any earlier to see what Santa had brought them. If the previous year was anything to go by, she expected she had maybe another hour before Calvin would be up, and she doubted Tris or Skylar would be sleeping much later than him. That gave her just enough time to make a pot of coffee and finish arranging the presents under the tree. She and Clarke had set them all out the previous night before going to bed, but another look to make sure everything was there couldn't hurt.  
  
She began down the hall again, moving to the stairs but stopped when she heard one of the bedroom doors squeak as it was pushed further open. Lexa cringed slightly before turning around, but let out a silent sigh of relief when she saw the culprit. Pauna, their four year-old Boxer/Pitbull mix had nosed the door open enough so that she could slink out of Calvin's room when she had heard Lexa moving in the hall. The brunette smiled at the dog and gestured for her to follow, and the dog did so, her little stump of a tail already wagging as she followed her mother down the stairs.  
  
“At some point we're really going to have to start enforcing the rules you know Pauna,” Lexa murmured to the dog as they reached the end of the stairs. “You know you're not supposed to sleep in the kids' rooms. You have your own bed down here.” The dog just looked up at her, her tongue already hanging out of the side of her mouth as she gave the brunette her big grin. Clearly she thought if she continued smiling at her mother she would continue to be allowed to sleep upstairs with everyone else. So far that grin and the pleading in her eight-year old son's eyes whenever she or Clarke tried to enforce that particular rule had won out, and Lexa didn't really see that changing any time soon. Still, she could continue to act tough, at least.  
  
Pauna led the way, turning the corner at the end of the stairs and moved straight to the front door. She sat in front of it, looking up at Lexa, and let out a little whine.  
  
“Sorry girl, there's no time for a real run this morning, but you can go run around the yard for a bit,” she informed the dog, reaching forward and unlocking the door so that she could pull it open. Pauna looked up at her for a moment, clearly unsure as to why Lexa wasn't putting her leash on her as usual, but finally she stepped out, moving down the front steps until she reached the lawn. Lexa flipped a switch and the front light came on, lighting the yard up enough so that she could see the dog sniffing around. As she watched, Pauna ran to the fence at the front of the yard and then back, clearly just running for the fun of it. Lexa envied the dog a little bit; on a normal morning, the first thing she would do after getting out of bed would be to put on her running clothes, put Pauna on her leash and take her for a run. She loved her morning run, even more now that Tris often came with them, but this morning she wouldn't have time for it. So seeing the dog perfectly content to roam around the fenced in yard, Lexa closed the door, turning back into the house. She knew Pauna would let her know when she was ready to come in.  
  
Turning, Lexa walked into the kitchen, almost tripping on Panther as he wound around her feet before she could flip the light on over the counter. She bent down and picked the cat up, placing him on her shoulder where he loved to perch, scratching him a couple of times behind his ears and causing him to purr before she turned her attention back to what she had been doing. She yawned as she moved around, her body working on automatic to get the coffee started. Once it was brewing, she continued through the kitchen, her hand lifting to once again scratch the cat behind his ears as she moved into the living room. There she turned on one of the lamps, and as she bent down she felt the cat jump off of her shoulder, landing gracefully on the floor. As the light flickered on, she watched him saunter over to the couch against the far wall, jumping up and then curling up along its back. She shook her head at the feline and then turned, unable to stop the smile from growing on her lips as she took in the sight of the room before her. Their tree stood in the corner, more decorations than she cared to count hanging from its limbs and weighing them down, strings of lights wrapped around it. Beneath and beside the tree were the presents that she and Clarke and Santa had bought for the kids and hanging on the shelf on the wall beside the tree were seven stockings. Five of the stockings were large, each one having one of their name's on it, and the last two were smaller, the first having the word “Pauna” written on it, and the second having the word “Panther” on it. Both names were written on messily with glitter glue, and she remembered Clarke helping Cal to write them on last year when the boy had insisted that the dog and cat both have a stocking too. Her smile grew at the memory, and that smile only grew more when she heard footsteps behind her and then felt arms wrap around her middle.  
  
“I thought the kids were supposed to be the ones to wake us up on Christmas morning,” Clarke joked, resting her chin against her wife's shoulder. “But then I get up to find my wife awake and all three kids still sleeping. You don't understand how this is supposed to go, do you?”  
  
Lexa grinned as she turned in her wife's hold, eyes moving down to meet Clarke's. She almost laughed when she saw that Clarke was wearing her red Christmas sweater with the little green mistletoes on it, but managed to keep it in. The blonde returned her grin, reading the amusement in her green eyes before she reached up and gave her wife a quick peck on the lips. Lexa returned the kiss with her own before she replied, “I just couldn't sleep. Is it weird that I think I'm more excited for Christmas now than I was when we were the kids?”  
  
Clarke let out a little laugh before saying, “I suppose that makes sense. We were the ones getting all the presents then, but now we get to see the looks on our kids' faces as they open their gifts. I can't think of anything more exciting than that.” Lexa returned her grin before the two pulled away just slightly, the arms closest to each other easily moving around the others waist as they turned to look at the tree once again. Clarke's eyes scanned all the gifts under and around the tree, and she shook her head. “We get to see the looks on the faces of our very _spoiled_ children,” she added. “Seriously, do they really need this much stuff? You know it's all things that you and I are just gonna have to clean up when they leave their toys around the house.”  
  
“All three of them deserve to be a little spoiled,” Lexa insisted, her eyes also sweeping around the room and taking it all in. “The past few months have been hard on all of them, and they deserve to have one day where all we do is spoil them. Besides, it's our first Christmas together with all five of us as a family.”  
  
“All seven of us,” Clarke reminded her, “You know how much Cal hates it when we don't include Pauna and Panther in the family count.”  
  
Lexa rolled her eyes, but felt the corners of her lips quirk up none the less.  
  
“Alright, it's our first Christmas with all _seven_ of us together, and I am more than happy spending it spoiling them all rotten. And spoiling you rotten,” she added, eyes dancing over to meet Clarke's. The blonde just grinned before she leaned over and kissed her again, this time keeping their lips together a little longer. When she did finally pull back, the grin was still on her face as she said, “Alright, I suppose I can accept one day of being spoiled rotten, and doing the same to you and the kids. And if you've already got a pot of coffee going, I will very much consider that a good start to being spoiled.”  
  
“Of course I've already got the coffee started. I know how this works,” Lexa insisted, quirking an eyebrow up at her wife, and the blonde just laughed. “Come on,” she continued, slipping her hand to her wife's and entwining their fingers together. She started to lead the blonde back to the kitchen, but before she could get very far she felt a little tug on her hand.  
  
“Wait,” Clarke said, and when Lexa turned to her giving her a curious look Clarke just grinned before pulling them closer to the tree. She leaned down, one hand still holding Lexa's, and after a moment of maneuvering, she managed to plug the string of lights into the outlet beside the tree, causing the tree to light up as the colorful bulbs draped around its limbs came to life. Clarke scanned the tree as she stood back up, and then turned back to Lexa. “Alright, now the coffee.” The brunette nodded, and this time when she began to lead them out of the room the blonde didn't stop her.  
  
Together they moved back into the kitchen, their hands only untangling as Clarke moved to one of the cupboards and pulled out two coffee cups, Lexa moving to the coffee maker and pulling out the pot of hot coffee. Clarke held the two cups up and Lexa carefully filled each, being careful not to splash the hot liquid as it flowed into the mugs. She set the pot back down once both cups were full and then accepted the one Clarke held up to her. She wrapped both hands around the cup, just as Clarke did, but simply held, letting the liquid cool some before she dared drink it.  
  
Clarke didn't care: after years of medical school and then finally becoming a surgeon, she was pretty sure she had lived off of coffee for long enough that the heat no longer effected her. All she had to do was blow on the steaming drink a little, and then she took a big gulp of it, closing her eyes and moaning as the hot liquid poured down her throat.  
  
“God I love coffee,” she groaned, opening her eyes to see her wife shaking her head at her, her lips curled up in a slight smile.  
  
“I couldn't tell,” Lexa replied sarcastically, shaking her head again as the blonde stuck her tongue out at her before taking another gulp. Choosing not to mirror the childish motion, Lexa moved over to the bar island, sitting on one of the stools. She blew on her coffee before taking a small sip, the drink still too hot for her to take much more than that. Pulling the cup from her lips she set it on the counter, her hands still wrapped around it, and then looked back to the blonde. “What time did we tell our parents to be here, again?” she asked before blowing on her drink once again.  
  
“I think we said nine-thirty,” Clarke replied, leaning down from the other side of the counter until she could rest her elbows on its surface. After taking another drink from her coffee, she added, “I figure that'll give the kids enough time to unwrap their gifts from us, and then they can focus on the ones from your father and my mother. And then Octavia, Lincoln, the kids and Bellamy and Raven should be here around eleven. The kids can play together while the adults get lunch ready.”  
  
“You thought of everything,” Lexa joked, her tone light as her lips curled up once again in a smile. Clarke returned the smile, telling her simply, “It's what I do.” She paused then, and the smile fell away, causing Lexa's own smile to turn into a concerned look as well. The blonde looked into her coffee mug and murmured, “It's just... It's gonna be kind of weird. It's my first Christmas without my dad.” She paused, clenching her eyes shut. “I don't even want to think about what my mom must be feeling right now. It's just... It feels so weird.”  
  
Lexa reached across the space between them, pulling Clarke's hand into her own. The blonde opened her eyes and looked up, meeting her wife's gaze, and she felt the brunette give her hand a squeeze.  
  
“I know honey,” Lexa told her quietly, “I get it. It's gonna be a little hard for you and your mom today, but I'm right here. I'll do whatever I can to make it easier for both of you, and you know our friends will do the same.”  
  
Clarke gave her a little smile, even if it was a little forced, and she admitted quietly, “I just don't want to be sad today. It's our first Christmas with Tris and Sky. I don't want it to be anything but happy.”  
  
“It can be mostly happy with just a little bit of sadness,” the brunette insisted, mirroring her wife's tone. “We all miss Jake, and none of us expect either you or Abby to be completely okay today. So we'll do everything we can to be happy, but just know that if you need a minute at any point, that's alright.”  
  
“Thanks Lexa,” Clarke whispered, the sincerity in her voice carrying the words over to her, and Lexa just smiled at her wife, brushing her thumb across the back of the blonde's hand. Clarke mirrored the motion, her lips turning up a little more, and then suddenly she let out a little laugh. “Look at us. I thought you were the one that had a problem expressing your emotions and I'm the one whose supposed to tell you it's okay. When did we switch roles?”  
  
Lexa just grinned, pushing herself off of her stool and then moved around the counter, wrapping Clarke in her arms. The blonde happily fell into the hold, placing her coffee on the counter before moving her arms to the brunette's shoulder, and then their foreheads pressed together, the same motion they had done countless times before.  
  
“That's marriage, baby,” Lexa teased, “What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine. I suppose that includes this kind of thing as well.”  
  
“Mm,” Clarke agreed, pressing herself closer to Lexa. “I guess it does.” Without another word, their lips came together and their eyes fell shut, falling completely into the other as they had done so often before.

***

Tris lay in her bed, eyes open, staring at the dark ceiling above her. She couldn't make anything out in the dark, but she knew blue stars were painted on the ceiling, and her eyes focused on where she knew one of them was. She didn't like that: she didn't like that even in the dark she knew the star was there, because it meant she was getting used to this room. It was getting too familiar, and that was bad, because in her life when something got familiar it meant it'd soon disappear. She was getting too comfortable, and that was not okay. She learned over and over again that she should never get comfortable, because the good things never lasted. At some point soon this would all end too, and once again she'd have to kick herself for letting herself feel like it was all gonna be okay.  
  
Except that it all should have ended a long time ago. It'd been over six months since she and Sky moved in with these people. No one had ever wanted them, wanted _her_ that long, except for her real mom. But even her real mom didn't want her anymore. It'd been almost a year since she saw her mom last, and in that time she had learned the hard lesson that nobody ever really wanted her. She'd learned that over and over, with every family she'd stayed with, every other foster kid she'd been forced to share a room with. So these people, Clarke and Lexa and Cal, they didn't really want her either, and they'd realize that soon. They had to. She only ever caused problems, and she knew it was only a matter of time before they decided she wasn't worth the trouble anymore. She just kinda hoped that they'd keep Sky when they realized it. Cause even if she was a problem, her baby sister never was, and Skylar had grown attached to them all. Tris had even given up trying to tell her they weren't their moms whenever the little girl called them that. She wouldn't understand it if she was taken away from them like she'd been taken away from the other families who'd claimed they wanted her. So even if she probably wouldn't be there much longer, she hoped that Sky would be, cause her little sister deserved a happy home, and this kinda was a happy home. Plus they had both a dog and a cat, and that was really important.  
  
Tris was pulled out of her thoughts when she heard her door push open, the light from the hall streaming in. She looked over and saw a small figure standing in the doorway.  
  
“Are you awake?” she heard Cal whisper, and she nodded.  
  
“Yeah,” she said simply.  
  
“Can I come in?” he asked, and again she nodded, repeating, “Yeah.” He moved forward in the room, and Tris sat up, leaning over to turn on the little lamp standing on the table next to her bed. Light flooded the room, making her blink, and even Cal had to wipe his eyes to get used to the change. He walked across the room and then pulled himself up on her bed, and for a minute they just sat there kind of staring at each other.  
  
“Are you okay?” he finally asked, and Tris just shrugged slightly.  
  
“Yeah,” she replied, “Course I am. Why wouldn't I be?”  
  
He looked down at his hands, his fingers gripping her blankets just for something to do. He shrugged back, finally looking up again when he muttered, “I dunno I just... I remember my first Christmas here. And I remember the ones I had in my foster homes and the ones before that with my old family. I just know it all feels kinda weird. And it kinda hurts, remembering the old Christmases. So I just wanted to make sure you're okay.”  
  
She knew exactly what he was talking about. For days kids at school had been so excited for Christmas, but she just couldn't get into it. Christmas just made her remember what it had been like before her mom had disappeared. It'd never been huge, but they always got a little tree, and her mom always even got her a couple of presents. Her favorite had been Skylar's first Christmas, when her mom had stopped using the stuff, even if it was just for a little while. She'd been really happy, and had bought them all a big lunch even though Sky couldn't eat most of it which just meant Tris got to eat her part of it, and there had even been ice cream. It was one of her favorite days. But that had been a long time ago, and since then she'd had too many least favorite days for the favorite day to really mean anything anymore. So when Calvin talked to her, she understood what he meant.  
  
“I guess it's... It's a little weird,” she finally admitted, not meeting his eyes even though she could feel him watching her. She put her tough face on then and shrugged, holding her head higher and meeting his eyes as she added, “But it doesn't matter if it's weird. I'll be leaving here soon, anyway. It's just another day, probly.”  
  
She watched Cal roll his eyes and shake his head, his automatic response now whenever she said that. “You've been saying that for forever now,” he groaned, “When are you gonna get that we're your family now? Ma and Mumma and me, we're not gonna get rid of you. You're staying with us, Tris. You and Skylar. You're both part of our family.”  
  
Tris could have argued, but he was right in that they'd had this same argument over and over again, neither one ever backing down. It was too early to try to fight him again; he was too stubborn, almost as stubborn as her, and she knew they'd just keep arguing about it. Plus, at the sound of her name Skylar stood up in her bed, her head poking up above the little bars that kept her from falling out of it.  
  
“Tis!” she exclaimed, the smile already on her face when she saw them both. “Cabbin!”  
  
Tris quickly scooted out of bed, walking over to her sister. She stepped up on the stool that had been placed there to make it easier for her to help her sister out of bed, and then reached down, grabbing her sister and carefully pulling over the bars.  
  
“Mornin' Sky,” she said to the little girl, smiling at her sister. She heard Calvin moving behind her, and then he was standing beside her, also grinning at the toddler.  
  
“Morning Skylar,” he greeted her, “Merry Christmas.”  
  
“Mess mas!” the little girl exclaimed, and neither Tris nor Calvin could stop their smiles from growing.  
  
Seeing Tris smile, Calvin bumped her shoulder. She looked over at him, raising her eyebrows at him, and he just smiled at her. He bumped her shoulder again, telling her, “Come on, let's go downstairs. I bet Ma and Mumma are waiting for us. They really really like Christmas.”  
  
Tris let out a sigh, but then nodded and set her sister down so that she could walk. She took one of Skylar's hands though, always afraid that she might fall even though she'd been walking for like forever now, and Calvin moved to the other side of the almost-two-year old and took her other hand. Skylar just grinned up at them, her toothy smile making them both laugh again, and then together they walked out of the girls' room. 

***

Clarke and Lexa were sitting together on their big lounge chair, their coffee finished and watching _Rudolph_ , when Pauna's head perked up from her spot on the floor beside them. Clarke had let the dog back inside a few minutes ago, and the big dog had quickly curled up beside them, not moving until this minute. They noticed her stump of a tail start wagging, and then she was on her feet and quickly moving back into the kitchen. The two women looked at each other, both knowing what that meant, and smiled before they both stood up, Clarke quickly wiping away the couple of tears that had fallen down her cheeks as they watched the movie. Lexa paused the movie and then turned off the TV, and together they followed the dog through the kitchen and back to the stairwell where they could hear their kids before they could see them.  
  
“Sit on your butt, Sky, you know it's easier that way,” they heard Tris coach her sister, and then they heard the steady _thud thud thud_ of a butt carefully sliding from one stair to the next. A moment later all three of their children turned the corner from around the stairs, their eyes all moving to the two women who waited for them there even as the dog immediately moved to them, sniffing them all and giving them her own good morning tail wag.  
  
“Merry Christmas!” both of the women exclaimed together, large smiles on their faces.  
  
Calvin's face broke out in a huge smile, echoing their exclamation, and Skylar let go of her siblings' hands, running forward.  
  
“Mess mas!” she yelled, and Clarke laughed as she bent down to scoop the little girl into her arms, hoisting her up in the air and causing her to scream in delight. Lexa grinned at them before she turned to the other two, her eyes sweeping over them and taking in both Calvin's large smile and the hesitation in Tris's eyes. She understood, and knew better than to push Tris, so she just held out her hand to the girl, telling both of them, “Come on, Santa's been here and I think he left a couple of things for all of you.”  
  
Tris almost declared that she knew there was no such thing as Santa, but her sister was beaming and even Calvin had a bigger grin on his face than she thought she'd ever seen before, so she decided to just keep quiet. She took Lexa's hand even though she didn't really think it was all that necessary, and then Calvin and Pauna led the way through the kitchen and into the living room, the four girls quickly following along behind them.  
  
When she walked into the living room, Tris felt her jaw drop. Her eyes couldn't focus on everything at once and her brain couldn't really process what was before her. She'd figured this was a family that did presents and all the Christmas stuff, but she hadn't been expecting this. Something about the way the gifts were scattered beneath the tree made it look bigger than it had been the night before when she went to bed, and the lights and decorations seemed more important now than they had before. Really it was all a little overwhelming, but even she couldn't stop the smile from growing on her face, especially when she heard Cal exclaim quietly, “Wow!”  
  
Lexa moved over to the shelf where the stockings hung, and said, “Stockings first, right guys? What do you think, youngest to oldest? You two want to help Sky with hers?”  
  
Tris and Cal both nodded, and Lexa grabbed two of the stockings, carefully laying them on the floor next to each other before turning and carefully taking down the other three. Clarke knelt down and put Skylar on the floor, Tris grabbing the stocking with her sister's name on it and dragging it over to her. They all laughed as the little girl shrieked over almost every single thing that came out of the stocking, clearly having very little idea as to what was going on but still enjoying every minute of it. Once hers was empty, Tris got to look through her stocking, pulling out little toys and candies and other things until hers too was empty. Then it was Calvin's turn, and he grinned the entire time, flashing his mothers that grin every now and then. Clarke and Lexa made quick work of their own stockings, smiling at each other as they pulled their own surprises out, and then when they finished it was time to open presents. Calvin acted as the elf, reading the tag of each gift and then taking it to whoever's name was on it, pausing only when he found one with his own name.  
  
As the gifts came out, wrapping paper and bags began to litter the floor. Clarke had brought in a large trash bag earlier to try to keep the mess at least a little orderly, but it was of little use, especially when Lexa crunched a piece of wrapping paper into a ball and threw it lightly at Calvin, hitting him in the arm.  
  
“Ma!” he exclaimed with a laugh, and then picked up another piece of paper and threw it back at her.  
  
“Oh no...” Clarke groaned, and then they were all laughing and throwing paper at each other, the wrapping paper war enough to make them lose focus on the few gifts that were left. Finally they stopped, Tris and Cal declaring themselves the winners and Lexa sighing and agreeing with them. Clarke did her best to give her wife a glare, but when Lexa merely grinned at her, her eyes shining, she couldn't keep the edges of her lips from turning up in their own smile. Their attention returned to the presents until Tris playfully stuck a bow she pulled off one of her gifts to the top of Skylar's head, the red shininess of the bow standing out well against her strawberry-blonde hair. Skylar just grinned, clapping, and they all laughed once again.  
  
Finally there was only one more gift under the tree, and Lexa smiled as she stood up and scooted towards the back of the tree to retrieve it. Calvin had quit his job as present deliverer after he opened the new art set that Santa had brought him, his entire focus looking at the many paints and markers and colored pencils it came with. Clarke's focus turned to her wife as the brunette carefully moved to the grab the box at the back of the tree, and her smile only grew, knowing what was inside it. Quickly she got up and moved over to the closet at the side of the room, turning and watching Lexa before she opened it. The brunette carried the gift over to Tris, placing it down before her.  
  
“Last but not least,” Lexa said, smiling at the girl. “I believe Santa brought you this, Tris.”  
  
Tris raised her eyebrows at her, clearly telling her she didn't believe her, but she didn't say anything, and Lexa simply kept smiling at her. It made her more than a little sad that the six-year old had seen too much of the world already to believe in Santa Claus, but that didn't mean she would let that sorrow show. Instead she just smiled, almost nervous as she watched Tris unwrap the box, but the look on the girl's face when she finally got the box open just made her smile grow. Tris's jaw dropped once again, her eyes going wide.  
  
“W-what...?” she asked, gently reaching out and lifting one of the skates from its box.  
  
“If you want to be a hockey player, then you need a pair of good hockey skates, right?” Lexa asked her, the amusement and happiness obvious in her tone.  
  
“And,” Clarke added from the side of the room, finally opening the closet and reaching inside, “You also are going to need a good hockey stick.” The next moment she pulled out a hockey stick with a bow on it. She moved across the room, handing it to the little girl as she said, “We didn't want to put it under the tree because it was kind of obvious what it was.”  
  
Tris accepted the stick with trembling hands. There were too many emotions going through her at the moment to even begin to know what she felt. Finally she stuttered, “I don't, I don't understand.”  
  
Lexa knelt down next to her, taking her hand in her own. Tris looked up, meeting her eyes as she told the girl softly, “You told us you want to play hockey like Calvin and Jonas. So we made sure you've got what you need to do it. We'll get the rest of the gear for you too, but figured you'd like these now.”  
  
“B-but I don't even know how to skate yet, not really,” Tris reminded her, and Lexa just shrugged.  
  
“You'll learn,” she said simply, “And now you've got your own pair of skates to learn in. It's better than renting a pair each time we go to the ice rink. You'll feel better in your own skates.”  
  
That made more sense than anything else at the moment, so Tris focused on that. Her fingers tightened around the stick, her eyes scanning Lexa's as she whispered, “Thanks.” Lexa's smile just softened before she leaned forward and placed a small kiss to the girl's forehead. Tris couldn't help but close her eyes at the small touch, and she felt something pull in her chest. She immediately opened her eyes again as Lexa pulled back, the smile still on her face.  
  
“You are very, very welcome,” she informed the girl, telling her, “We just want you to do something you love, Tris, and if hockey's something you think you'll love, then we'll make sure you have everything you need to play it. No questions asked, no thanks needed. We love you.”  
  
Tris felt the pull at her chest again, but did her best to ignore it. She just nodded, unable to think of anything to say, but luckily then the doorbell rang and both Lexa and Clarke turned to look out the doorway of the living room.  
  
“Sounds like Nana and Bampa are here,” Clarke said, and as Lexa stood up she looked at the three kids and continued, “We're gonna go help them bring things in from the car. You guys stay here, please. Cal, Tris, keep an eye on Skylar, okay?”  
  
They both nodded and Lexa and Clarke smiled at them all before they quickly walked out of the room. Tris watched them go, and again she felt the pull at her heart, and this time she couldn't ignore it.  
  
“See?” she heard Cal say, and she turned to him. He still sat with his art set in front of him, but he was looking at her with a little grin on his face. “I told you you're staying. We're family.”  
  
“Famy!” Sky declared, her new stuffed giraffe held firmly in one fist even as she flung her arms up over her head.  
  
Tris clenched her fist tighter around the hockey stick she still held and she felt her lip tremble. Tears fell down her cheeks, and seeing them Pauna, who had been sitting beside the lounge chair while they all opened presents, got up, moving over to her and whining. The dog nudged her with her nose, tongue quickly darting out and licking her arm as if to make sure she was okay. With her free hand she reached up and scratched the big dog behind her bad ear, her favorite spot to be scratched. With the arm that still held the hockey stick she quickly wiped her sleeve across her face, brushing away the tear tracks from her cheeks. She could hear the adults talking as they came back in the house, their voices muffled but audible. She sniffed, but this time when she felt the pang in her chest, she knew better than to try to ignore it. For the first time she fully knew what the pang was telling her: it was telling her that she was home. She had a family, and they wanted her. They really actually wanted her. It kinda almost felt like a Christmas miracle, but the skates and stick in her hand told her something else: they'd wanted her for a long time. Without realizing it, a small laugh bubbled up from her chest, and Skylar laughed too when she heard it. Cal didn't laugh, but he smiled at her again, the smile only growing as the dog gently butted the young girl's shoulder with her head.  
  
Yeah, it felt kinda good to be wanted. Kinda really, really good. And now she had a new favorite day, and she thought that maybe this favorite day was good enough to beat out all of her least favorite days combined. Cause she had a family, a real family, and they loved her. So yeah, it was already kinda a really great Christmas and it had only just begun. And she had a feeling that there were gonna be a lot more really great Christmases in her future, and a lot more favorite days, and that feeling only made her laugh again, a smile breaking out on her face.  
  
She was home and she was wanted and she was loved, and as awesome as the hockey stick and skates were, the other things were way better.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, there you go, those are the Twelve Years of Clexa Christmas, and now there is a little more we all know about what their lives were like both together and apart. And, as a bonus, you have officially been given a sneak peek into "Continuum," and have now met Cal, Tris and Skylar, all of whom have been living in my head for months now just waiting for a chance to come out. What did you think? You like them so far? I hope so, cause here's the next little surprise: tomorrow evening I will be posting the first official chapter of "Continuum," and you will get to know a little bit more about them. That was what my original plan for the holidays was going to be for you, but once I got the idea for this story, I decided to just do them both. I will also be posting the next chapter of "Unbroken," so for any of you who are following that as well, I will hopefully have given you a decent amount to read between the three updates. "Unbroken" is still my primary story right now, so even though I will be uploading the first chapter of "Continuum," don't expect those updates to be quite as frequent. I love my babies though, and really want you all to get to know them and the many other characters and storylines I have come up with, so I will do my best to focus on "Continuum" fairly regularly.
> 
> Anyway, I guess that's enough out of me for now. Please please please, if you feel at all inclined, let me know your thoughts on this story because seriously, I love hearing/reading them. Thank you all, and again, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and everyone stay safe!


End file.
